Dear 2021,
Let me be clear, this blog is now meant for me and only me, and if anyone else benefits from it, that is completely a byproduct. My intention is to keep this blog running for the sake of my own sanity since there is no one to vent my frustrations to, no one to tell anything to in order to keep my head on straight, and I must have a way of writing into the world which no one knows or cares about, and yet is not a diary.
I was engaged last year to a beautiful but troubled man named Nick, whom I loved and still love very deeply. I feel in my heart that God may bring him back to me, but all of my family and indeed my own brain say that it is over, that is is best over, and that I will hear hide nor hair from him ever again. I grieve over this, yet not too much. I am terribly romantic and horribly practical.
My mother drives me insane. I love her to death, and as I am supposed to die to myself, I suppose if I am with her long enough I will have the opportunity to do just that. Today (and I already told her this) she was organizing all of my room and my closet like I was 5 years old. However, as she never gets out of bed, and I have no husband to annoy me and sharpen me "as iron sharpens iron" it might as well be her. I have noticed I have been selfish with her lately, thinking of my own wants and needs while she lies rotting in bed. This is terrible of me. I am often a terrible person, and I don't mind saying so. I need to think of her again as my chief concern.
I have written a book, I am almost finished with school, and if the Lord tarries, I want to invest, and have quite a bit of money saved up to help others. I would love to travel the US if that is permitted in our now socialist country. I have little aspiration other than to write, help a few foster children, live among Native Americans for at least a year and help them however I can, heal my back, take care of my mother, and buy a small house which I can leave to someone who needs it when I die.
I should dearly love to be married, but at this point in time I do not have any desire to meet another man. I loved Nick, I helped him, and that is enough for me.
I am a rebellious creature and I know it. I have hurt God's feelings by choosing Nick over him and for that reason alone I don't deserve to be married. I don't mind. I am content by myself, and I know I deserve hell, so anything fun in this life is icing on the cake.
My hometown and my livelihood was stripped from me when C19 hit in 2020. For this, I hate the government. The new area where I live is lovely, however it is not my home. I don't believe I will ever have a home again. This is alright. I am a nomad, made to wander the earth.
I dearly wish I had a better attitude about everything, but I do not. Perhaps at the end of this year, I will be more happy, but happiness is a fleeting and rather stupid thing to want to acquire. Better holiness than happiness.
My grievances against myself - I am much too proud, too apt to say things when I should be quiet, too hostile, too soft, too acidic, too sanguine, too taut, too headstrong, too hateful and too tired. I have a great desire to be alone, to live alone, to work alone, to die alone, and yet I wish to be with people too. I don't know how much more of life I have to live, but it will be alright as long I can keep my head on straight and learn how to please the Lord again.
These are all my grievances against you, you poor little baby new year, you haven't even done anything yet. But you'll be old by the time March comes along. I hope by the end of this year, you'll have shown me things about both of us that made this year worth living. I need a mental adjustment and an attitude adjustment.
I miss Nick. I miss my hometown. I miss myself.
Ashley
