Everything changes.
We can't stop it.
Life is a series of ups and downs, of seasons and stories.
Our emotions change. We go from sad to happy and happy to sad, sometimes without even knowing why.
People come and people go.
We move.
We change jobs.
Sometimes, we just want it to stop.
But, that's not an option for us.
Everything will always change, and we can't ever be in a state of stasis for very long. It can be chaotic, and it can feel overwhelming, upsetting even to have things going up and down. Sometimes we want to latch onto one emotion, we want to either be all sad all the time or all happy all the time, we want to know what to expect. But to hide from one emotion or another is to hide from life.
The afterlife will be forever fixed. Heaven will be still forever in time. The game will be over. So play now while the stakes or high, don't live in fear.
Enjoy the turbulence before the great permanence.
Wednesday, July 3, 2019
Sunday, April 28, 2019
March 2019 | Things I'm Grateful For...
This year, March 15th marked my 26th birthday! I am always a year ahead in my mind, I've really stopped counting, but I like my birthday. Its a fun time to eat fun food, hang out with people, and be grateful for all the things I've been able to do so far, and a time to plan what else I want to do!
I honestly thought I wasn't going to make it to another birthday this year. I ended up in the hospital two weeks ago with the most excruciating back pain...
Two weeks before my little stint at the hospital, I had taken on a job as an admin assistant for a large YouTube personality. I had been praying for an opportunity to make money from home, and was very excited to see if it would be a good fit. Knowing my limitations due to auto-immune, I hoped being at home would create less stress for me.
But... with 50 emails coming at me everyday, the stress began to build up in my body. I was getting up early and staying up late (bad combo for me) just to keep up, plus all my regular day jobs. The fact that it was tedious and non-creative work made it that much more stressful for me. I'm all for pushing myself, but I have many strengths (creativity, teaching, engaging, empathy) that I like to use, and I was able to do NONE of those.
Tedious tasks stress me out, and although I felt fine mentally, I was about to learn that cortisone will take its course whether you FEEL stressed or not... I was on my way home from a dance lesson when I got into the car and pulled the door closed. Something in my back gave way, and I felt a surge of pain like my nerves were being cut with a knife. I painfully drove home, and like an idiot, did two more hours of work before succumbing to the pain and laying down.
I have only stayed up all night a handful of times in my life. But I have never stayed up all night and remembered the whole night. My spine felt like it was being sawn in half, and I yelled in pain off and on all night. I kept thinking about the people I had read about who had endured torture. I found myself so thankful that at least I wasn't in some prison camp, but at the same time, I didn't know how much more pain I could handle.
Being in such severe pain is very interesting. You feel as though you are in a pain suit, like you should be able to step out of the pain. It makes you aware that you are not your body, but that you dwell in a body. I tried to stay still all night, turning over only once. Around 4:30, I screamed for someone to come downstairs. I couldn't move, and wasn't sure what I was going to do.
My mom and siblings and roommates came running downstairs. After an initial once over from my mom, she decided to call the paramedics to try and move me to a more comfortable place. They moved me to a bench that I rest on when my back gets bad, but the pain was just too intense. I was completely locked up through my spine, and I felt like every nerve in my back was being cut and burned at the same time. So, my mom called them again this time to go to the hospital.
When they came, they saw how young I was, and I'm sure they thought I was being a drama queen. There is nothing worse than not being believed about how sick you are or how much pain you are in, especially when you're not a baby and have a pretty darn high tolerance to pain.
They heaved me onto the gurney and I screamed louder than I thought was possible. It was totally involuntary, like the pain was speaking for me. Then, I passed out. I don't remember that, but my sister told me it happened. I must have come to, and then I felt myself going again. Not gonna lie, I thought I was going to Heaven.
"Well, I had a good run of it, too bad I didn't finish my books..." was a thought that floated through my head. I also thought about the guy I loved and was no longer speaking with. True to the dramatic nature of our family, I said, "If I don't make it, tell (him) I love him!" As I floated out of conciseness, I heard my mom and sister laugh at this. I wanted to say it wasn't funny, but suddenly it was funny, but I couldn't laugh because I was passing out.
The arrival at the hospital was a nightmare. My spine needed to be perfectly straight to avoid more pain, but when they took me to the MRI, they put me in a sling which curved my back. The only way I can describe it is saying it felt like bending the area of a broken bone. I screamed again, and it wouldn't be the last time.
It took the doctors 8 hours to decide to admit me. I do not remember more than 30 min of the whole time. I was apparently transported to another hospital, but remember none of that. I have never had that happen before, where you don't remember anything. Quite a strange experience... who knew pain could do that?
My mom asked the doctor to which hospital he would take his daughter, and I'm so glad she did... When I woke up, I was in the most beautiful, clean, lovely staffed hospital I've ever seen (I've seen several). Everyone who came into my room was like an angel.
The next two days were painfully lying in bed, drifting in and out of sleep, calling for nurses to change my bedpan, and waiting for my family to visit and bring Whole Foods salads and snacks. I felt so loved and cared for... As someone who has cared for a sick person for more than half my life, I appreciated every little thing they did for me.
Each day, the nurses would come and try to get me to walk. I hated that part of the day because it was so excruciatingly painful. I've been told since that back pain is worse than childbirth. I will never be able to have my own children for health reasons, but knowing that I endured such a big pain makes me feel like a true woman in a way. As a woman, you know that bringing life into the world demands that you feel pain, its a sort of rite of passage. I don't get that rite of passage, but I got my own.
I am incredibly grateful to God for keeping me safe. I'm so thankful for my beautiful, crazy family who supported me through this whole ordeal and are being so supportive of me as I heal and try to figure out where to go from here. I am thankful for that beautiful hospital and their kind staff. And, get this, I had this little hospital trip RIGHT BEFORE I GOT BOOTED OFF MY PARENTS INSURANCE!! Had it happened just a few days later, we wouldn't have been covered. God is very good.
And I'm grateful for you readers. Thank you for reading about my journey, and I pray that it encourages you on yours.
Much love to all,
Ashley
Friday, March 1, 2019
Thursday, January 31, 2019
While You Were Sleeping...
Dear world,
It's been a while! So very many things have happened this year, so I will try my best to get you up to speed before I jump into reflections for the new year.
Good news... I haven't died yet! Seriously though, that was a big concern of mine when I was younger. I had so much fear and anxiety, I thought for sure I would be dead by 22. Well here I am, almost 26, and still kicking.
I wasn't sure what I was going to do with my life. I knew I was artistic, and that I would always be writing. Well, this is still true. I have self-published a short, illustrated children's book, and I am currently working on a children's chapter book. As to everything else, I am sort of a health and dance coach. I make very little money though, so money is going to be the main object this next year.
Speaking of money... for a short time (last summer until now) I was able to run a dance studio from my home. That was an absolutely WONDERFUL experience, but sadly, due to the rules of our Home Owners Association (HOA) I can no longer operate my studio...
Physically, I have more challenges than I thought I would. I battle auto-immune disease, get sick and have pain more frequently than most people my age, and suffer from disk degeneration which can be very painful. Wanted to have a surgery, but to no avail. BUT! I have more ways to deal with this than most since I am knowledgeable about supplementation and strength training.
Emotionally, this year has been challenging. For almost two years, I was friends and then more than friends and then in a relationship with someone who I truly loved. But love is not the same as trust and respect I've learned. The love of my life is not a Christian, and it has been a challenge recognizing that, at least for the foreseeable future, he cannot be mine and I cannot be his. I want him in heaven with me if I don't get to have him for the time on earth, so please pray for him.
Dating him was an interesting experience, long-distance (met him via youtube), but it gave me a chance to really see how much was going on upstairs. I actually recommend long-distance dating if you REALLY want to know how you're conversations will be like down the road. Knowing someones everyday routine is really important too, so don't skimp out on hanging out when you can.
Most of all, I learned if you on not on the same spiritual plane (forget about religious stuff, I don't even go to church anymore for various reasons) and you're not BOTH connected to God, it will not work out. One will feel like their partner is void and unavailable with little life energy, and the other will feel that their partner is in "another world," and inaccessible.
My mother and father are now separated (if you've read this blog, you might think it was high time...) My dad is staying at a small home he has rented from some cult members (its a long story) and sadly, we do not miss each others company.
Locationally... we have been situated in a beautiful five bedroom home that we rent. After my dad left, two girls that Lexie knew from school (Julia and Chloe) moved in. Chloe has become like another sister to us, Julia has a lot of religious baggage, but she has a good heart. She reminds me of myself when I was in my religious phase. Its so sad how Jesus, the very person who came to set us free from all the religious rituals and ideas, gets repackaged and sold as a new form of religion. Spiritual beings set free need only God's love and truth to guide them. People still bound to the world need religion and rules to keep them from going off the rail.
Things have been pretty expensive, so I don't think we will stay here long. In fact...
About a month ago... Rachel, who has always wanted to marry someone who looks like Jon Foreman, owns a ranch, and likes to wear flannel, met a guy through Chloe. Rachel has only dated one person, and NEVER thought her day would come. Well, I think its come. This guy, Nate, lives in Montana (which was a big deal to Rachel who loves the movie Man from Snowy River), wants to build a ranch (he has money from working in oil fields) and looks like Jon Foreman. They talked on the phone for the first time on Monday. I've never seen her so elated. And she has a lot of peace. I am so happy for her. And I'm happy that I have moved past any feelings of jealousy or nasty energy like that because things didn't work out for me. I was a little sad, but I was still able to rejoice with Rachel which means my soul is in a good place.
Because Rachel will most likely be moving to Montana, Mamma and I are prepared to leave Washington, even if just for awhile and go to Montana with her. So, that will be a new adventure.
As always my loves, everything is up in the air right now, as life for us always is. Nothing but God is certain, and I am certain he will see us through. I love you all, take care, keep trusting God, work hard, and be brave!
Love,
Ashley
It's been a while! So very many things have happened this year, so I will try my best to get you up to speed before I jump into reflections for the new year.
Good news... I haven't died yet! Seriously though, that was a big concern of mine when I was younger. I had so much fear and anxiety, I thought for sure I would be dead by 22. Well here I am, almost 26, and still kicking.
I wasn't sure what I was going to do with my life. I knew I was artistic, and that I would always be writing. Well, this is still true. I have self-published a short, illustrated children's book, and I am currently working on a children's chapter book. As to everything else, I am sort of a health and dance coach. I make very little money though, so money is going to be the main object this next year.
Speaking of money... for a short time (last summer until now) I was able to run a dance studio from my home. That was an absolutely WONDERFUL experience, but sadly, due to the rules of our Home Owners Association (HOA) I can no longer operate my studio...
Physically, I have more challenges than I thought I would. I battle auto-immune disease, get sick and have pain more frequently than most people my age, and suffer from disk degeneration which can be very painful. Wanted to have a surgery, but to no avail. BUT! I have more ways to deal with this than most since I am knowledgeable about supplementation and strength training.
Emotionally, this year has been challenging. For almost two years, I was friends and then more than friends and then in a relationship with someone who I truly loved. But love is not the same as trust and respect I've learned. The love of my life is not a Christian, and it has been a challenge recognizing that, at least for the foreseeable future, he cannot be mine and I cannot be his. I want him in heaven with me if I don't get to have him for the time on earth, so please pray for him.
Dating him was an interesting experience, long-distance (met him via youtube), but it gave me a chance to really see how much was going on upstairs. I actually recommend long-distance dating if you REALLY want to know how you're conversations will be like down the road. Knowing someones everyday routine is really important too, so don't skimp out on hanging out when you can.
Most of all, I learned if you on not on the same spiritual plane (forget about religious stuff, I don't even go to church anymore for various reasons) and you're not BOTH connected to God, it will not work out. One will feel like their partner is void and unavailable with little life energy, and the other will feel that their partner is in "another world," and inaccessible.
My mother and father are now separated (if you've read this blog, you might think it was high time...) My dad is staying at a small home he has rented from some cult members (its a long story) and sadly, we do not miss each others company.
Locationally... we have been situated in a beautiful five bedroom home that we rent. After my dad left, two girls that Lexie knew from school (Julia and Chloe) moved in. Chloe has become like another sister to us, Julia has a lot of religious baggage, but she has a good heart. She reminds me of myself when I was in my religious phase. Its so sad how Jesus, the very person who came to set us free from all the religious rituals and ideas, gets repackaged and sold as a new form of religion. Spiritual beings set free need only God's love and truth to guide them. People still bound to the world need religion and rules to keep them from going off the rail.
Things have been pretty expensive, so I don't think we will stay here long. In fact...
About a month ago... Rachel, who has always wanted to marry someone who looks like Jon Foreman, owns a ranch, and likes to wear flannel, met a guy through Chloe. Rachel has only dated one person, and NEVER thought her day would come. Well, I think its come. This guy, Nate, lives in Montana (which was a big deal to Rachel who loves the movie Man from Snowy River), wants to build a ranch (he has money from working in oil fields) and looks like Jon Foreman. They talked on the phone for the first time on Monday. I've never seen her so elated. And she has a lot of peace. I am so happy for her. And I'm happy that I have moved past any feelings of jealousy or nasty energy like that because things didn't work out for me. I was a little sad, but I was still able to rejoice with Rachel which means my soul is in a good place.
Because Rachel will most likely be moving to Montana, Mamma and I are prepared to leave Washington, even if just for awhile and go to Montana with her. So, that will be a new adventure.
As always my loves, everything is up in the air right now, as life for us always is. Nothing but God is certain, and I am certain he will see us through. I love you all, take care, keep trusting God, work hard, and be brave!
Love,
Ashley
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