When It Doesn't Fit

Too many things have happened from Thanksgiving to Christmas. I have decided that I won't let my mouth run here. I think there is a balance of sharing your heart with the world. But I will say that I have gained friends and lost them so fast my head was spinning for days. Our cat, Richie, died. Tears were shed. Things were torn apart. This was the first Christmas when everything really fell apart. I guess you would call it my first bad Christmas. But, this blog is all about firsts right now.

Maybe you've had holidays like that. Or maybe every holiday has been that way. I am sorry. I know that words really don't mean much when your heart is breaking, but I understand that pain on a deeper level than before. I know how it feels to simply want things to work, but everything is broken, and no matter how hard you try, things simply won't fit. The highs and lows are horrible. The light that serves everyone else around you only serves as a measure to the darkness inside your heart.

But despite all of that, I am ok. I used to set such store by holidays. I idolized getting the family together, and having everything be just so. But in this world you will have trouble, and the tighter you hold onto things, the faster you lose them. I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm learning to live my life with open hands, saying, "God, put in and take out whatever you want." That is hard for a control freak like me. But the grass withers and the flowers fade. If I try to hold on, I am merely trying to grasp at the impossible. Nothing is sound.