Dear World,
Merry Christmas once again! I know it doesn't seem like I should be happy this Christmas. I've lost my first boyfriend, my mom was talking about assisted suicide the other day because her illness causes her so much pain, my dad is lost to me, I don't trust the church anymore, and I barely make enough money to scrape by.
And yet, I am so happy. First of all, my panic attacks have become much fewer. Its amazing what you can accomplish when your own mind isn't against you. I am getting better sleep, and there is no price on being well-rested. My siblings and I have grown so much closer these past few months. At one point, I was so agoraphobic I thought I would never be able to have a normal conversation with anyone from my past ever again, but just last week, my sister Alexa and I had one of the most beautiful conversations we've had in our lives.
I am slowly but surely learning respectful boundaries towards myself and others, and have learned to be less defensive and just say "I was wrong!" when I do something out of line. At last, I have broken out of the spiritual/emotional matrix of religious control, and am finally learning what it means to be human and to embrace my human experience. I have also found that Jesus really is the rock, and that his Word does indeed bring stability and lasts forever.
My younger siblings have allowed me to be in their lives and hang out with their high school friends. I have enjoyed becoming something of that crazy Aunt I always wanted to be, spoiling kids, affirming them, but loving them enough to tell them the truth; being a safe place they can come to.
I've reconnected with two old and dear friends from my past. I saw my "brother" Stuwie who went into the army at the mall yesterday and got to hug him one more time. My cousin and I are both on pinterest and I enjoy seeing her ideas on health and wellness! My brother apologized to me the other day.
The jobs I've had recently have been amazing and fun and absolutely what I needed at that moment. I get to teach dance and move around, set up birthday parties, watch over little ones, and just this past weekend I got to housesit for someone. Life is a journey, let me tell you, and God knows exactly what I need right now.
So what if Christmas isn't super "Christmasy" this year? I have a family who loves me, friends that are amazing and supportive, and jobs that are fun. And anyway, as long as there's the music, the lights, the movies, and the cookies, you're pretty much set for the Holidays, don't you think?
Merry Christmas everyone!
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