I Hold My Breath Too Long

I sit there in silence.
The clock ticks.
Eyes seem to watch me from everywhere,
From the closet,
From the folds of my sleeves,
From the face of the screens.

I hide from my own hands.
I hate the sound of my own breath going into my lungs.
So I hold my breath...

And the worry begins to build... I can't breath, I can't breath... my mind begins to race... I can't stop thinking, I can't stop thinking! Everything is rushed and pointed, like a arrow into my throat, into my ears, my eyes, the point between my shoulder and my chest-plate... I hate the sound of everything...

Responsibility! Responsibility! I can hear the ball and chain being ready to put it's shackle on me... Everyone is depending on you... it whispers as it scrapes the ground... I fill my mouth with whatever I can fit inside, trying to eat up the noise, the room itself, my thoughts my feelings, trying to make myself big enough to fit my problems inside, but its no use... I am trying to drink up the river that carved the Grand Canyon, and it is pointless... I stand on shaky feet. This will not kill me...

And all of a sudden, I realize... I was not breathing...
Slowly, I fill my lungs with air.
Do not steady me!
I must breath for myself!
I cry myself to sleep.
I am foolish.

I hold my breath too long.

That Thing (In My Head)

That thing in my head
Exactly measured

Prescribing precision
Like a knife.

Cutting through my thoughts
Barely causing pain.

Blood being civilized
With rubberized gloves.

I will think before I act.
I will dissect every angle.

Feelings must be processed
Effective, like a machine.

Is not a feeling only a set of chemical chain reactions?
Can I not override that which I do not wish to emote?

Can I not turn my heart into a machine?
Can I not rewire a metallic mind?

That Thing (In my Chest...)

That thing in my ribcage
That wild piece of flesh
Which wages war with my blood

That hollow in my chest
That void in my stomach
Creating chaos I cannot control

That weary look of mine
That urge to risk it all
Gone is my sanity into the night

Things I'm Feelin' Right Now...

When I say "feelin'" I mean things I'm sensing that I want to do, things that hang in air with a sense of wanting... ya "feelin'" me?

Me to every person ever ;)

A post shared by ashley anne (@justashleyanne) on Apr 12, 2017 at 8:58pm PDT

1) Funny "spoonie" and AIP instagram posts...
2) Princess Bride (even my sister Rachel who generally hates this movie has agreed, IT IS TIME TO WATCH THIS AGAIN!)
3) A Robin Williams film...
4) Some drawing
5) These songs...

- Real Emotion album by Paper Route (especially Zhivago!)
- Graceless by The National
- Second Child by The Oh Hellos
- Cave by Mumford and Sons
- Random Haiku Generator by Soley
- Slave to the Rhythm by Michael Jackson
- Gone by Toby Mac
- Where the Light Shines Through album by Switchfoot
- Something in the Water by Carrie Underwood
- Me and God by Josh Turner (this man's voice is like butter, you MUST LISTEN!)

6) Long walks and creating a secret garden...
7) Eating in a healthy order and not cheating because cheating hurts my poor tummy and creates havoc internally which causes my back to go out, my brain to fog up, and my energy level to go down, and then I can't dance :'(
8) Writing, filming, and creating art again!
9) Getting physically stronger. Goodbye noodle arms and thunder thighs...
10) Kickin' back with my homies! Literally, the people I share physical living space with (and some friends too).

So, what things are you "feelin'" this week?

Magnifying Eyes

I am sitting on the lawn.
Perhaps I am a little different.
But I am only different enough to notice differences.
I think I just make others aware of their differences...

The scientists love me.
They want to analyze me.
They say they love me,
And maybe they do...

But every time they stare at me,
They do not realize
I'm burned by their magnifying eyes.

It hurts, and so I fly away.
This hiding makes them chase me...
Please, I will talk to you, but don't look at me.

A Little at a Time

I am building myself
a little at a time.
Each moment well spent
marks my improvement.
Learning to work
In bits and doses.
Learning when it is best
to rest and play.
For I haven't got much time,
This I know is true,
But if I manage what I have
I will leave behind a legacy.