Its when I stop to wonder
Its when I stop to think
How it makes realize
When I'm on the brink
That all of us will suffer
That all of us will die
But holding hands we're stronger
So hold fast till daylight
The sunrise it is coming
Revives me through and through
But I know dawn does not last
The night will find me soon
And all of us will blunder
And all of us go blind
But holding hands we're stronger
So hold fast till daylight
I held so tight to this world
Full of sighs and woes
But then you turned the tables
And told me to let go
Of all the things I'd gathered
and thought I understood
You gave me your hands, Savior
Nailed to a cross of wood
So place within these fingers
the hands that they should hold
place family and dear people
the young ones and the old
don't let me follow my heart
its wicked, dark, and blind
but holding hands we're stronger
so lead me to daylight
Friday, July 31, 2015
Thursday, July 30, 2015
When Suddenly the World Seems Small
Sometimes
The world seems huge
Like a cosmos that never ends
Because it never does
With everything
and everyone
Spinning
Out of control
I can't speak
or think
And when I see things
Its like they are drifting farther
and farther away...
and I have no power to bring them back
sometimes
the world seems small
like there isn't enough space for me
because there isn't
all my atoms feel alive
and i want to break out
of my skin
everything is closing
crowding
pushing up around me
my thoughts
my emotions
the whole world is trying
to fit inside my head
and i can barely breathe
as the things i feel and think
subdivide and subdivide
into smaller and smaller pieces
the universe itself expanding in my brain
Its at these times
that its comforting to know
I am not God
I am only man
and I will never ever understand
and I was not made to
and though my mind may run wild
I only have today
and I am always a child
The world seems huge
Like a cosmos that never ends
Because it never does
With everything
and everyone
Spinning
Out of control
I can't speak
or think
And when I see things
Its like they are drifting farther
and farther away...
and I have no power to bring them back
sometimes
the world seems small
like there isn't enough space for me
because there isn't
all my atoms feel alive
and i want to break out
of my skin
everything is closing
crowding
pushing up around me
my thoughts
my emotions
the whole world is trying
to fit inside my head
and i can barely breathe
as the things i feel and think
subdivide and subdivide
into smaller and smaller pieces
the universe itself expanding in my brain
Its at these times
that its comforting to know
I am not God
I am only man
and I will never ever understand
and I was not made to
and though my mind may run wild
I only have today
and I am always a child
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
Self Challenge #1 - Lose 25 lbs by Oct 15th
Dear self,
I challenge you to a duel.
Lets see who survives
The body
Or my will.
I am very excited about this. I am not going to try to lose a TON of weight ALL AT ONCE like I used to. Here are my simple goals towards weight loss.
1) Take my supplements everyday. I will share these with you later
2) Do a Tracy Anderson Metamorphosis workout everyday along with 30 min of cardio (dance/run)
3) Consume fewer calories than I burn. Goaled at 800 calories per day.
4) Make sure to treat myself on weekends
5) Lose 2 lbs per week to attain my goal!
Start weight as of 7.22.15 (last Wednesday) 135
Weigh in today (Wednesday): 133
On my way there! =)
Monday, July 27, 2015
Those Life Lessons People Tried to Tell Me Before I Learned Them the Hard Way #1
Only when you are ready to die for something are you ready to live for it. Only when you commit to living are you ready to die.
Playing it safe, making sure you don't ever feel pain, that leads to shallowness and hollowness of character. Embrace pain.
Anyone can be a hero, honestly. There are lots of heroic things to do. They are just really small and don't get noticed and might feel mundane.
Life isn't a roller coaster, its a train ride, with stops, and the occasional wreck.
If you really care for someone, you won't be petty. If you're selfish, all you'll think about is how the whole world is hurting you.
If you make a mistake, and can't go straight to the people you've hurt and apologize, you will spend your life either alone or hopping from place to place, trying to find a marshmallow haven for your emotions that doesn't exist.
Embrace failure as a friend, and it will teach you all it knows.
Stop acting like what cereal you'll have for breakfast is at the top of God's agenda. Someone just died today because they love Jesus.
Take care of yourself and your family like God asked you to; you won't know what to do every second of the moment, but do your best and let God put the strength in your heart when you don't want to get out of bed to go to work in the morning. Remember, He's entrusted you with a small amount of people. Have their backs and don't let anyone hurt them, especially you!
Sometimes, putting the dishes away and kissing your mom is "God's will" for your life.
Stop living like you have to "hurry up and be important." EVERYTHING is important. Rome wasn't built in a day, it was built one brick at a time.
Measure your time like gold.
If you feel unimportant, ask God for two things, 1) send someone along who has it worse of than you so that you can get your head screwed on straight, 2) ask him to send you someone who needs to have a smile put on their face
What makes you think you're ready to start a family when you're running from the one you already have?
Don't beat yourself down or puff yourself up. The Devil does a good job without your help.
If all you can think about is yourself or the weight of the world, take your meds, laugh at yourself, help somebody else, take a breath, remember Jesus loves you and you're not going to Hell, and today will be a good day.
Don't ever hate someone, even if they hate you. Also, don't hate yourself if someone else hates you. Forgive them and forgive yourself. Hatred only spawns more hatred.
Draw excellent boundaries. Become a safe haven for the people who are worth it, not because they are perfect people who have never done anything wrong, but because they are screw ups who know it, and are doing their best with Jesus helping them along.
Pick someone who is limping along with Jesus supporting them over someone who is appears strong and pulling a chain and ball.
Jesus was not a guru. Look it up.
Stop trying to be Jesus to the world. God didn't send you into the world as his only son. If he did, we'd be in a heck a lot of trouble. Let Jesus be Jesus, and you just be your little old messed up self, and all you get to do is point to him like a little kid pointing at Mickey Mouse at Disneyland.
If Satan had his way, we'd be locked away 24/7 either in a building, in our homes, or in the prisons of our minds. Don't let him have his way!
Life is just life. Its ups and downs and ins and outs, and its family and work and sweat and tears and laughter and being outside, and watching movies, and going on adventures and taking time to listen, trying to stay healthy, pleasure, admitting what a screw up you are, asking God to please help you get out of bed, asking God to please help you get over yourself, enjoying the moments when you are just breathing. Its learning how to say no to yourself, stop living for what feels good all of the time, putting smiles on other people's faces anonymously, being misunderstood, getting kicked in the teeth by the people that mean the most to you and never giving up. Its learning when to say no, and when to say yes. Its learning how to actually help people, not cripple or enable them. Its about laughing, and realizing you're not in control and you never will be. Life is life.
Stop trying to fast forward your life. If you miss out on the now, you'll miss all the good stuff.
Stop living for thrills of any kind. If you live for thrills, be they emotional, relational, physical, or spiritual, you are living for a high and avoiding a low. There are lots of drugs that don't come in powders and syringes.
When you say "I love you," but you have something in it planned for you, even a good feeling, you don't love.
Admit that you are incapable of loving anyone or anything. Only then will you begin to be capable.
Only when you have hit rock bottom can you say you've landed on solid ground.
Don't succumb to the Great Big Fear of Everything.
Playing it safe, making sure you don't ever feel pain, that leads to shallowness and hollowness of character. Embrace pain.
Anyone can be a hero, honestly. There are lots of heroic things to do. They are just really small and don't get noticed and might feel mundane.
Life isn't a roller coaster, its a train ride, with stops, and the occasional wreck.
If you really care for someone, you won't be petty. If you're selfish, all you'll think about is how the whole world is hurting you.
If you make a mistake, and can't go straight to the people you've hurt and apologize, you will spend your life either alone or hopping from place to place, trying to find a marshmallow haven for your emotions that doesn't exist.
Embrace failure as a friend, and it will teach you all it knows.
Stop acting like what cereal you'll have for breakfast is at the top of God's agenda. Someone just died today because they love Jesus.
Take care of yourself and your family like God asked you to; you won't know what to do every second of the moment, but do your best and let God put the strength in your heart when you don't want to get out of bed to go to work in the morning. Remember, He's entrusted you with a small amount of people. Have their backs and don't let anyone hurt them, especially you!
Sometimes, putting the dishes away and kissing your mom is "God's will" for your life.
Stop living like you have to "hurry up and be important." EVERYTHING is important. Rome wasn't built in a day, it was built one brick at a time.
Measure your time like gold.
If you feel unimportant, ask God for two things, 1) send someone along who has it worse of than you so that you can get your head screwed on straight, 2) ask him to send you someone who needs to have a smile put on their face
What makes you think you're ready to start a family when you're running from the one you already have?
Don't beat yourself down or puff yourself up. The Devil does a good job without your help.
If all you can think about is yourself or the weight of the world, take your meds, laugh at yourself, help somebody else, take a breath, remember Jesus loves you and you're not going to Hell, and today will be a good day.
Don't ever hate someone, even if they hate you. Also, don't hate yourself if someone else hates you. Forgive them and forgive yourself. Hatred only spawns more hatred.
Draw excellent boundaries. Become a safe haven for the people who are worth it, not because they are perfect people who have never done anything wrong, but because they are screw ups who know it, and are doing their best with Jesus helping them along.
Pick someone who is limping along with Jesus supporting them over someone who is appears strong and pulling a chain and ball.
Jesus was not a guru. Look it up.
Stop trying to be Jesus to the world. God didn't send you into the world as his only son. If he did, we'd be in a heck a lot of trouble. Let Jesus be Jesus, and you just be your little old messed up self, and all you get to do is point to him like a little kid pointing at Mickey Mouse at Disneyland.
If Satan had his way, we'd be locked away 24/7 either in a building, in our homes, or in the prisons of our minds. Don't let him have his way!
Life is just life. Its ups and downs and ins and outs, and its family and work and sweat and tears and laughter and being outside, and watching movies, and going on adventures and taking time to listen, trying to stay healthy, pleasure, admitting what a screw up you are, asking God to please help you get out of bed, asking God to please help you get over yourself, enjoying the moments when you are just breathing. Its learning how to say no to yourself, stop living for what feels good all of the time, putting smiles on other people's faces anonymously, being misunderstood, getting kicked in the teeth by the people that mean the most to you and never giving up. Its learning when to say no, and when to say yes. Its learning how to actually help people, not cripple or enable them. Its about laughing, and realizing you're not in control and you never will be. Life is life.
Stop trying to fast forward your life. If you miss out on the now, you'll miss all the good stuff.
Stop living for thrills of any kind. If you live for thrills, be they emotional, relational, physical, or spiritual, you are living for a high and avoiding a low. There are lots of drugs that don't come in powders and syringes.
When you say "I love you," but you have something in it planned for you, even a good feeling, you don't love.
Admit that you are incapable of loving anyone or anything. Only then will you begin to be capable.
Only when you have hit rock bottom can you say you've landed on solid ground.
Don't succumb to the Great Big Fear of Everything.
Friday, July 24, 2015
On Echo by Mree
Love this song... so sad but pretty sounding; a perfect earful of bittersweet. Enjoy!
Wednesday, July 8, 2015
Monday, July 6, 2015
Coming of Age
Everybody has that moment. The moment when you grow up. Or you break down. Maybe they happen simultaneously. You know, the milestone moments when the world seems to stop and look at you, and say "Hey kid, your'e not in Kansas anymore." Love the 70's reminiscent style of this video. Great job Foster the People. Props to my sister for always finding awesome music.
Sunday, July 5, 2015
One or the Other
It was me dear sister
It was me oh brother
My feet were separated
from one another
One placed on the land
One placed within water
My thoughts were torn
between one and the other
With a foot on the shore
And a foot in the ocean
I stood there divided
My soul in commotion
The earth called too sweetly
The earth called familiar
But the sea rang out wildly
and my heart was bewildered
The shore was my safety
The shore seemed secure
But the ocean tumultuous
Cried out "I'm the cure!"
Ever same stood the earth
Yet the ever shifting sand
Gave me great excitement
But I stayed in command
With or without me
The ocean was all change
Haunted by its summons
My mind was enraged
A call to engage
And surrender my soul
To the real thing of glory
Without my control
Slowly I inched
Away from the sand
Surrendered both my feet
To the ocean's command
Tidal waves bore me up
And tore down my walls
I saw my many failures
I drowned in my flaws
As my body drifted
And sank in the waters
I closed my eyes
My heart on the alter
What game had I played?
What thing had I done?
For as pain gripped my heart
I let go of everyone
And at last as my heart
Came undone at the seams
I let the ocean cleanse away
My stubborn, stubborn streak
Death came about
Encasing my lungs
One breath, heavy sigh
And the thing was all done
The worst was over
The pain had passed through
But the light wasn't waning
Instead it came anew
It passed through my mind
Like some bittersweet song
And the peace beyond knowledge
Invested deep and long
It wasn't surreal
or full of suspense
but it was deep and real
and made the most sense
Now forever I'll surrender
To the call of the ocean
and let it wash away
All my deathly emotion
For I am the grave
and I am the death
So to turn from myself
I swallow the sea in every breath
It was me oh brother
My feet were separated
from one another
One placed on the land
One placed within water
My thoughts were torn
between one and the other
With a foot on the shore
And a foot in the ocean
I stood there divided
My soul in commotion
The earth called too sweetly
The earth called familiar
But the sea rang out wildly
and my heart was bewildered
The shore was my safety
The shore seemed secure
But the ocean tumultuous
Cried out "I'm the cure!"
Ever same stood the earth
Yet the ever shifting sand
Gave me great excitement
But I stayed in command
With or without me
The ocean was all change
Haunted by its summons
My mind was enraged
A call to engage
And surrender my soul
To the real thing of glory
Without my control
Slowly I inched
Away from the sand
Surrendered both my feet
To the ocean's command
Tidal waves bore me up
And tore down my walls
I saw my many failures
I drowned in my flaws
As my body drifted
And sank in the waters
I closed my eyes
My heart on the alter
What game had I played?
What thing had I done?
For as pain gripped my heart
I let go of everyone
And at last as my heart
Came undone at the seams
I let the ocean cleanse away
My stubborn, stubborn streak
Death came about
Encasing my lungs
One breath, heavy sigh
And the thing was all done
The worst was over
The pain had passed through
But the light wasn't waning
Instead it came anew
It passed through my mind
Like some bittersweet song
And the peace beyond knowledge
Invested deep and long
It wasn't surreal
or full of suspense
but it was deep and real
and made the most sense
Now forever I'll surrender
To the call of the ocean
and let it wash away
All my deathly emotion
For I am the grave
and I am the death
So to turn from myself
I swallow the sea in every breath
Wednesday, July 1, 2015
The Caverns of My Chest
I can't breath
I can't speak
The caverns of my chest
Are caving in.
I can't grieve
I can't sleep
The caverns of my chest
Are breaking in.
I can't see
I can't scream
The caverns of my chest
Are raging in.
Under my skin
are restless waves
Inside my chest
are endless caves
Within the caves
are breathless storms
Which hold a sigh
I can't let go.
For to let it go
Causes silent screams
that rend my soul
at its desperate seams
And should the pain pass
and then subside
I'd soon roll over
and rest to die.
But they say to die
is to begin
But I can't let it out
So I can't let it in.
But the twist
that wrests and tears my soul
Is at my command to release its hold
For as soon as I let the pain
loose its sorrow
And turn over in my grave
Like a dead thing hollow
Allowing pain to sear my very heart
And the storm to shred my every part
And don't let the callous of bitterness grow
And then surrender my sorry and wounded soul
To the King who kindly extends His hand
and leads me through the shadow land
He will catch my tears alone
and take them to His very throne
He'll have me all
My every part
and not let me run wild and restless at heart
So as he breaks my very bones
I cannot fight or stay alone.
How I wish to slam the door in his face!
How I wish to find comfort in some other place!
Why must loneliness be my lot?
How I hate romance!
How I hate God!
And then I relent with wilted remorse
and raise my glass, present my toast
To pain, to pain, and drink it down
As acidic tears splash upon the ground
Don't let the sorrow leave a bitter taste
Let the pain rain down and leave its trace.
Let the knife carve hard and let it carve deep
Don't pass out, run away, or fall asleep.
Stay under the scalpel
Stay under the knife
It will make you a better servant, daughter, wife.
I can't speak
The caverns of my chest
Are caving in.
I can't grieve
I can't sleep
The caverns of my chest
Are breaking in.
I can't see
I can't scream
The caverns of my chest
Are raging in.
Under my skin
are restless waves
Inside my chest
are endless caves
Within the caves
are breathless storms
Which hold a sigh
I can't let go.
For to let it go
Causes silent screams
that rend my soul
at its desperate seams
And should the pain pass
and then subside
I'd soon roll over
and rest to die.
But they say to die
is to begin
But I can't let it out
So I can't let it in.
But the twist
that wrests and tears my soul
Is at my command to release its hold
For as soon as I let the pain
loose its sorrow
And turn over in my grave
Like a dead thing hollow
Allowing pain to sear my very heart
And the storm to shred my every part
And don't let the callous of bitterness grow
And then surrender my sorry and wounded soul
To the King who kindly extends His hand
and leads me through the shadow land
He will catch my tears alone
and take them to His very throne
He'll have me all
My every part
and not let me run wild and restless at heart
So as he breaks my very bones
I cannot fight or stay alone.
How I wish to slam the door in his face!
How I wish to find comfort in some other place!
Why must loneliness be my lot?
How I hate romance!
How I hate God!
And then I relent with wilted remorse
and raise my glass, present my toast
To pain, to pain, and drink it down
As acidic tears splash upon the ground
Don't let the sorrow leave a bitter taste
Let the pain rain down and leave its trace.
Let the knife carve hard and let it carve deep
Don't pass out, run away, or fall asleep.
Stay under the scalpel
Stay under the knife
It will make you a better servant, daughter, wife.
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