Having a Spoonie Day? - Spoon Theory Explained

These past couple weeks have been hard. I mean PHYSICALLY CHALLENGING! But, not the kind of physically challenging that I would appreciate. Not the kind where sweat is pouring down my face, my heart is beating out of my chest, and I feel utterly exhausted and from pushing myself and exhilarated from meeting a personal goal. That would be fantastic.

No. This was a spoonie two weeks.

Those who struggle with a chronic illness probably automatically know what I mean. But for the rest of my friends who are still healthy, wealthy, and wise, let me explain my latest demise...

Its pretty simple really, they call it the spoon theory. Lets say at the beginning of the day, I give you twelve spoons. For our intents and purposes, the spoons represent a measurement of energy output, twelve spoons being an approximate amount of energy for the average healthy person. For each thing you have to do today, you have to give me a spoon. You want to get out of bed? One spoon please. Take a shower and look presentable? That's a spoon. Go to work for eight hours, pay four spoons. You come home, and have six spoons left. Those are used for emails, a phone call, making dinner, talking to your family members, and getting ready for bed.

But lets say you wake up and I only give you six spoons. Once you get halfway through the day, no more spoons are left, you're already tired, and you can't get any spoons back. Unless you sleep. Maybe. If you try to run on fumes without any spoons, you are going to pay. You are in spoon debt. The next day, you will only have four spoons. The others have to be generated in sleep. But, your brain isn't working now because it its too tired to function properly. Your body hurts, and you can't go to sleep. You wake up with three spoons. Still tired? Oh, yeah, spoons are not guaranteed to roll over into the next day. Sorry. Slept for twelve hours and still feel tired? Try to write that email. Blank stare, huh? This is when your mind begins to melt, and taking a shower feels like kayaking Niagara falls. Just keeping your eyes open throughout the day is a success. And sleep? Oh, you crave it... You want to wake up rested so badly you can literally almost garner a sense of taste for sleep.

Imagine that you almost never have a twelve spoon day. Maybe you're lucky to have five or six. A bit depressing right? The good news is, I know a lot of health tips that help me along the way. I know I need a good thyroid medication, and the one I just got was clearly not sufficient judging by how much I needed to sleep these past couple weeks. I would literally come home from work at 7;30, crash on the couch, and wake up at 7:00 only to be just as tired at the night before. I also know that I pretty much can't eat anymore. If I do eat, it has to be superfood, clean organic eats, and green or mineral drinks. Man, I miss eating...

The other thing that really makes me down is that I can't run anymore, or work out as hard as I would like. My body is simply too weak. This, I DO NOT LIKE. I am one of those people who would probably (like Marathon) work out until I dropped dead. I love it that much. But no. I am confined in this body of mine. But that doesn't mean I can't work out. I just have to do little old lady work outs. Gosh, I almost want to cry. I wanted to be a professional ballerina or gymnast when I was little, and currently being a dance instructor, I want to push myself for my students. I will push myself though.

Maybe people will always think I am lame because of how incapable I seem. I can't put my leg over my head, I can't run miles, I can't lift weights, I can't do all the things I've always wanted to do, but I can keep moving, stay healthy, and encourage others to do so. And as for all the things I'm missing out on, sure I cry over them sometimes. I'll never just be able to eat out with young folks, or be that kickbutt instructor, or dance for hours on end. However, this life is so short, I'm just passing through. I'll collect hearts and set them free like stars, holding out in my soul for a clearer view.

Loves to all, and cheers to better weeks to come! If you are putting off doing something, do it now. Time is generous when you do not want him to be, and he never gives you back time he's already given away.

Pushing Along: Don't give up! We all have crazy days!

I just love this video... I wouldn't push the product, but I love the premise. Our lives, are officially crazy!!

We all have good days. We all have bad days. Most of us have busy days, lots of busy days. I have been putting a LOT of effort into looking my best, hacking my way to better health, and consistently trying to improve in my daily living, but not too long ago, I was one of those young whipper-snappers who stayed up too late, arrived to work looking like I just rolled out of bed, and wasn't really on my game.

There were many reasons for my slap-dash mode of life, many of them health related which is why I have become so passionate about healthy living. As I have slowly improved over the past few months, I realize that I have become something of that girl whom I admired. You know, the one who always has a band aid on hand, a full tank of gas, an extra sweater, and makeup that actually holds up throughout the day. But I had to fight to get to where I am. When you come across people who seem to have it all together, don't take their "togetherness" for granted. Chances are, they push themselves behind the scenes far more than you will ever realize. Those people have crazy mornings, hectic afternoons, and moments when they just want to quit. The trick is, hacking yourself at the moment when you just want to say "What the heck!" 

I am not perfect, nor will I ever be. I just want to be an encouragement to those who feel like they aren't going to make it, like they will never succeed. I used to look at people who had it all together and wonder, "How do they do that?" First of all, you have to be healthy and have energy. Second, understand that this robotic age demands far more of us than we will ever be able to output. And third, remember that you can always improve. This life is real, and noisy, and busy, but we are able to overcome its challenges one at a time. We can do it!! Don't give up!!

Pushing Ourselves Along

I used to look longingly at the girl over there, 

Wondering how she lives so well.

She smiles and laughs, 

And works tirelessly, 

While I seem to toil 

and spin my wheels in vain. 

But slowly I learned,

Crawling I inched 

Closer to the person 

I wished to become. 

And as I see others behind me now, 

I want them to know 

If they wonder how I live

That I am not perfect;

I'm often tired 

As I work and laugh

But I have achieved 

And so can they 

So can we all 

If we keep pushing 

Ourselves along

I Am Not Happy Unless My Hands are Dirty

Whenever I find myself getting discontented in life, it usually means my hands just aren't dirty enough.

In today's world, everything is supposed to shine, glisten, and glimmer. Everything ought to be made out of chromium, aluminum, and steel. But I guess I belong to an older earth, you know, the one made of stone, fire, earth, and water. 

Ever since I was a kid, nothing made me happier than putting my hands in the sand, making things out of mud, or letting water run through my fingers. I would be delighted if I was told today, "Go make a cabin in the woods. Go away from this place of hustle and bustle, this hum drum of city/suburban life, and eat what you grow." But, I feel that I would soon become bored with nothing and no one to talk to but the birds. Perhaps I am cursed by living in this oh so busy generation, or maybe I simply crave human contact. 

I wasn't always this way. I was a bookworm through and through, too busy writing, too interested in my own thoughts to be consumed with the everyday lives of people. But amidst all my reading and writing, through all my thoughts, I was led to a beautiful discovery. We are the dirt. We are the essence of earth. We are beautiful, and boring; waiting to be shaped, destined to be demolished. 

Just like dust, we can be viewed as a prize or a problem. Resting on the mantle or scattered on the floor, dust is but a nuisance. But that same dust and dirt mixed in barrels and loaded onto trucks is the yet unborn masterpiece of an architect. In working with children especially, I get to see first hand what happens when children are treated as pests, turning into problems. But in the right hands, those same children, their character worked on by purpose and design, will blossom into the greatest prizes. 

So many people nowadays are in a rush to run away from life's problems. Selfishly, we seek our own comfort, not understanding that are purpose (and greatest joy) is to comfort and empower others. We ignore divorce, we shove uncomfortable subjects in the closet, we sweep a lot of anguish under the rug, and we disregard basic human needs in exchange for a false reality. But I want real problems. Call me crazy, but I want the dirt, not for the thrill of getting dirty, but for the knowledge that it is the real thing.

Wake up my dear, you were made to grow things up from the dirt. 

Fly on the Wall

Sometimes, it seems as though all my hard work goes unseen. All my observations seem to vanish into the nevermore, though I try and try to write them down. But then, I remember I was made this way. I was made to go unseen, all the while gathering my treasure trove of human experience, characters, and stories. And I remember that those who have noticed me have usually wanted to consume me, just like a spider and a fly. The beauty of being a fly on the wall is its incognito nature. So I will not beg for attention. I will remember who I am, and watch, and listen...

I can fly
But I am small 
I am the fly upon the wall 

I have perspective 
But I am little 
Many voices make me quiver

I wash my hands 
to make them clean 
But the washing's never seen

I see things
Others cannot 
But my voice is soon forgot

I was made 
to be this way 
To always move and never stay 

I fight storms
Across the seas
But should nobody notice me

I will rejoice
And recall why; 
For only the spider takes note of the fly

The Year (so far) in Pictures

Hello everyone!

Hope you had a good weekend, and are ready for Monday. I spent some time planning and (my love of cleaning) organizing things this weekend, including photos. For some reason, my ears and throat are all infected, but I thought, "Hey, while I'm down, I might as well tackle a small art project," so here it is!

Below are some of my favorites, but you can check out the full album here: CLICK

this is ethan. i teach him dance. he is bae.

beautiful reflections...

my sister rachel, current beauty school student, working her magic

found on the wall at work.

i am celebrating all holidays. this was valentines.

rachel at beauty school

red velvet cupcakes for my birthday...

alexa's amazing red hair. i literally just saw the light reflecting in it, and said, wait! we need a pic!!

ma nue runna's

steampunk major

dress, fifteen dollars, done.

great quote

The Joy of Personal Responsibility

Living is hard. If you think it's easy, you haven't lived long enough yet. The road is dark and trecherous, but also thrilling. That is, if you know that life is a game meant to be played, and which rules to follow.

My generation is plagued by doubts, fears, and irresponsibility. I'm not afraid to say it. Many of us have grown up in broken homes, have learned few life skills, and even fewer of us have learned how to take good risks and take ownership of our lives. Our future is uncertain at best, but then again...

When was the world ever a perfect place? What country has ever had the privilege of containing only perfectly intact families? What person ever had 100% perfect parents? Who has ever had the perfect job with no boring or hard days? The answer to all of these questions is simply NEVER. Nowhere in history did anyone ever have a perfect life.

There was, however, a perfect man, and he encouraged freedom from the various matrixs we live in, finacially, spiritually, and physically. This was not so we could sit about in trances, feeling our way to paradise, but so that we could recognize the game for what it truly is. It was never about money, power, friendship, or fame. It is about learning our strengths and conquering our weaknessness, feverishly working out our lives when we must, and trusting that God has our backs when things are beyond our power.

Our concept of perfection, born in Eden, has been lost in this dimension forever. We must stop our futile attempts to return to Paradise on earth, and instead recognize that it is slaying the daily dragons of our lives that will shape our souls into joyful beings, no matter our circumstances.

It is not what is handed to us, but rather what we create, nuture, and maintain that will make us who we truly ought to be.