Those Plumb, Weird Thoughts...

So, being the over-thinker that I am, I just have to get a few things off my chest...

Sometimes, no matter how talented, pretty, handsome, or successful you have been, you will feel like a waste of space. Something will happen that will make you question your existence, and give you an existential crisis. 

This is ok.

I know it doesn't feel like it, but it is.

It's also important to remember at these times that YOU and no one else (well, you and God) are responsible for getting through your head, and no one else. Of course, there are times to share your burdens with others, but at the end of the day, who is in your head but you?

Lately, I've been struggling with feeling utterly inadequate for what life is throwing my way. What do I know about anything anyway! I think my biggest hurdle at the moment is the amount of work I do and the amount of money I don't make. I work hard, VERY hard, but I am often stupid when it comes to money. I will spin my wheels and get nowhere.

I've always been quite determined to make my own way. I want to have the security and knowledge that should anything bad happen, I would be able to support both myself and my family. However, I have been facing physical limitations which limit my ability to do much of anything for extended periods of time. My body sometimes feels like its crumbling underneath me, and the strict regime I have to keep up is both tiring and expensive.

This is true for so many people, my mom being a prime example. I realized today how hard it is for me to be a human being and not a human doing. My work is who I am, I have studied dance in and out and upside down, and with all the back pain I've been in, I feel like I am wasting time, wasting space, wasting my life.

I also get very frustrated because I can't yet fully care for myself. I am tired of living one foot in and one foot out of the nest, but because of all the sickness in my family, its just been really difficult. I think my biggest downfall in the past has been passivity and procrastination. When I don't know what to do, I often just sit and do nothing. But this ALWAYS leads to more problems.

For now, all I can do is take things one day at a time. I have to make money, and I have to heal. I have to fess up when I'm not doing a good job managing things, and I have to be very, very, very strict with myself, FAR more than the average person.

I think I'm also angry because I have worked so hard for so many years and have to spend my money on just keeping myself afloat so that I can go to work. That kind of life wears on you and certainly wears on the people around you. Caring for a sick person, whether it is yourself or another human is not an easy task. It can be grueling and frustrating, especially when your condition is chronic. I have been looking into disability and I think that is just making my mental wheels spin. I don't like being told that I can't do things. I don't like the idea of being dependent on the government, it bothers me, but I would also be a little relieved and then I get angry with myself for being relieved, which is silly, that is what disability is there for. I start thinking, "Am I lazy? What could I do differently? How can I change things to make them better?"

I had this plumb, weird thought today where I said to myself, "Is it even worth it for me to be here? I can see why people just want to let the sick ones go. We drain the system!" Of course, there is some validity to this, but I think I'm just discouraged because the situation is frustrating. I will not quit though, I'm not a quitter. And neither are you, dear reader. Sometimes, there really is no getting better, no getting out from under the pain, and that really, really sucks. I hope I won't always be living the way I am, but if I do, I have to accept where God has put me and always try to make things better.

I am excited and happy about so many projects at the moment, and even just writing this post I feel better. Life is ups and downs. There will be happy times and sad times and aggravating times, and that's just how it is. Sometimes, things are not battles, but wars that drag on and on. My health might always be a war, but that's ok. Its a challenge that was given to me. Well, challenge accepted...

Keep going loves, face all the monsters, even the ones made out of red-tape, doctor bills, and paper work. Face all the internal battles with fortitude and strength. Remember that your life is what you make it, and God is waiting to see what kind of work you are up for.

Much love,
Ashley

Communicate, Communicate, Communicate!

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Lately, I've been focusing on my communication skills in everyday life. This is one thing they don't tell you in school kids, you REALLY need to be able to communicate successfully with other human beings...

I am so grateful to work at a community center that really hones in on training us how to be better communicators! We use a skill called, "Listen First" which is a package of skills that help us talk effectively to others, not so we can fill their heads with information, but so we can better listen, understand and help THEM unpack their problems, ideas, or plans. Here are some of the AWESOME tools we use...

1) Ask Open Ended Questions - These are questions that require more than a yes or no answer. Eg. "Did you have a good day at school today?" This question usually gets a mumbled "yeah" as a response. Try "What was the most interesting thing that happened at school today?" Draw the information out!

2) Reflect - Reflecting back to someone shows that you hear them. Don't just parrot back what someone is saying though, make it your own! Lets say someone was talking to you about walking their dog, "So you take them to the park every Saturday." It lets people know, I'm here in the moment with you!

3) Affirm - When someone is making a positive change or action, let them know you think that is awesome!! Tell them you are proud of them! Tell them they are making good steps towards their goal, encourage positive behavior!

4) Summarize - This is usually at the end of a conversation where you summarize all the things you talked about (or if you are enjoying a long conversation, you might do this when you hit the end of a segment in the conversation). You gather all the things someone talked to you about and let them know you got the big picture. "So it sounds like you really like taking your dog for a walk on Saturdays! You meet lots of new friends and your dog really enjoys it! That's great! I'm happy that you two have found something you enjoy together!" Then you could ask an open ended question (eg. "What else do you like doing on the weekend?") OR close the segment of the conversation.

5) Ask Permission - If someone comes to you with a problem and feels particularly stuck, don't be super anxious to fix all their problems. Remember this golden rule all empaths and problem solvers, YOU ARE HERE TO HELP NOT RESCUE! Helping people who want or need it is awesome. But try NOT to rescue people. Most people already know what they need to do, the answers are just locked up by fear, doubt, or another barrier. Do NOT make people dependent on you. You will not always be there. Make them strong so they can think for themselves! When you have a suggestion or something you want to share, ASK FIRST. They are a sacred being with their own mind. Try, "Do you mind if I share a suggestion, a piece of information, etc. with you?"

I've been noticing how much I just ASSUME things when I communicate with people. I may take on an attitude that says, "They are already going to shut me down, anyway..." so I become defensive, distant, or angry. We do this at work, and especially with family and friends who are close to us. In fact, I think the closer we are to someone, the more we assume we know precisely what is going on in their heads. This is NOT true! Human beings are in a constant state of change. They have picked up information, vibes, and other things from the day, week, month or year. You are NOT in their head.

So, be open, be honest, and VERBALIZE, VERBALIZE, VERBALIZE! Learn how others around you best communicate. Learn how to listen, and how to ask questions! Always be interested in others thoughts, and you might be surprised what you find...

Much love,
Ashley

The Girl In the Mirror

It was Sunday morning, and my best friend and I settled into our seats in the room of the kids church. We eagerly waited for our teacher to announce the surprise that was happening that morning...
A theater troupe was going to perform for us!

Excited, we saw some of the god and goddess-like "older kids" who were performing walk up and down the sides of the room, bustling to get the last things ready.

The play began. I have always been spellbound by live performances, even at the elementary level, I am always moved by people, especially humble people, putting themselves onto a stage and giving their energy to an audience.

During one particular scene, I sat on the edge of my seat... A mirror was rolled onto the stage, and clouds of dry ice billowed onto the stage. Then, in the mirror, appeared a girl with golden hair, a beautiful dress, and the most beautiful aura I had ever seen. She was pretty, but that wasn't the reason she caught my attention...

She was magic. She was kind. She was a queen.

In the play, she was the villain, but I leaned over to my friend and whispered, "I know she's not good in the play, but she HAS to be good in real life!"

And I thought to myself nine year old self, I want to be just like that when I get older...

To this day, I still think of the girl in the mirror when I think of who I want to be. You NEVER know just when or how you will make an impact on someone. Be strong, and brave, and beautiful not for yourself, but for others.

Perhaps someone will see the way you carry yourself with beauty and confidence, and if you smile at them you will give them confidence of their own. Someone a few steps behind you on the journey of life is always looking at you. May you be the one who inspires them to say, "I want to be just like that when I grow up..."

Much love,
Ashley

Where Are You Headed now, Ms. Ashley?

Hello all,

It's been such a long while since I've posted anything, but I wanted to let you all know that I'm not dead, and that I have been meaning to return to the blogosphere for some time now, I just wasn't quite sure what to say...

I've been going through so much these past couple years, and I feel at a loss to adequately share my thoughts and memories with you all. This blog is a sort of sacred place for me. Not very many people know about it, so I feel that I can truly share myself in a way that helps me get things off my chest, and forces me to record my history in an engaging way. I'm being my own therapist and practicing my craft at the same time! HAHA!

BUT... I've never really known what to share... I've followed lots of different blogs through the years, and I always loved the ones that shared deep, personal experiences. But that gets murky and scary when you are trying to lead a professional life online. I don't want to overshare, and yet I feel that my experiences could really help others.

All that to say, I think I've found my formula. My blog needs to be SNAPSHOTS of my life and thoughts. I also don't mind overlapping these snapshots through my art, my vlog, and my writing because it just deepens my experience with my thoughts. SO, if you follow all my various threads tat I put into the universe, you will probably think, "Hey, she already talked about this twice!" But that is ok ;)

This blog is going to be dedicated to my human experience while on this planet earth. It will be comprised of blog posts, photos, and poems that best describe what it was like to be alive during the years 1993-2070. I will share my strongest memories, the things that truly stand out to me, and life advice from myself and others who are alive at this time.

This is my story.
Much love,
Ashley

Learning How to Live

Its ok to be overwhelmed at first. Its not ok to stay in a perpetual state of panic, or to give up.

do i trust jesus or not?

Mental Snapshots

Your beautiful eyes turning all angry. 

Smiling, because I know something you do not. 

Just when I feel I have no friends, the floodgates open. 

My aunt I have not seen in 10 years standing at my door. 

My quilt all finished and keeping me warm. 

Beautiful, strong women arriving in my life like flowers in spring. 

The stereo light changing colors. 

A well-worn chair to call my own. 

How I love this unexpected life of mine! 

Hello there. My eye! I’ve missed you...