Those Plumb, Weird Thoughts...

So, being the over-thinker that I am, I just have to get a few things off my chest...

Sometimes, no matter how talented, pretty, handsome, or successful you have been, you will feel like a waste of space. Something will happen that will make you question your existence, and give you an existential crisis. 

This is ok.

I know it doesn't feel like it, but it is.

It's also important to remember at these times that YOU and no one else (well, you and God) are responsible for getting through your head, and no one else. Of course, there are times to share your burdens with others, but at the end of the day, who is in your head but you?

Lately, I've been struggling with feeling utterly inadequate for what life is throwing my way. What do I know about anything anyway! I think my biggest hurdle at the moment is the amount of work I do and the amount of money I don't make. I work hard, VERY hard, but I am often stupid when it comes to money. I will spin my wheels and get nowhere.

I've always been quite determined to make my own way. I want to have the security and knowledge that should anything bad happen, I would be able to support both myself and my family. However, I have been facing physical limitations which limit my ability to do much of anything for extended periods of time. My body sometimes feels like its crumbling underneath me, and the strict regime I have to keep up is both tiring and expensive.

This is true for so many people, my mom being a prime example. I realized today how hard it is for me to be a human being and not a human doing. My work is who I am, I have studied dance in and out and upside down, and with all the back pain I've been in, I feel like I am wasting time, wasting space, wasting my life.

I also get very frustrated because I can't yet fully care for myself. I am tired of living one foot in and one foot out of the nest, but because of all the sickness in my family, its just been really difficult. I think my biggest downfall in the past has been passivity and procrastination. When I don't know what to do, I often just sit and do nothing. But this ALWAYS leads to more problems.

For now, all I can do is take things one day at a time. I have to make money, and I have to heal. I have to fess up when I'm not doing a good job managing things, and I have to be very, very, very strict with myself, FAR more than the average person.

I think I'm also angry because I have worked so hard for so many years and have to spend my money on just keeping myself afloat so that I can go to work. That kind of life wears on you and certainly wears on the people around you. Caring for a sick person, whether it is yourself or another human is not an easy task. It can be grueling and frustrating, especially when your condition is chronic. I have been looking into disability and I think that is just making my mental wheels spin. I don't like being told that I can't do things. I don't like the idea of being dependent on the government, it bothers me, but I would also be a little relieved and then I get angry with myself for being relieved, which is silly, that is what disability is there for. I start thinking, "Am I lazy? What could I do differently? How can I change things to make them better?"

I had this plumb, weird thought today where I said to myself, "Is it even worth it for me to be here? I can see why people just want to let the sick ones go. We drain the system!" Of course, there is some validity to this, but I think I'm just discouraged because the situation is frustrating. I will not quit though, I'm not a quitter. And neither are you, dear reader. Sometimes, there really is no getting better, no getting out from under the pain, and that really, really sucks. I hope I won't always be living the way I am, but if I do, I have to accept where God has put me and always try to make things better.

I am excited and happy about so many projects at the moment, and even just writing this post I feel better. Life is ups and downs. There will be happy times and sad times and aggravating times, and that's just how it is. Sometimes, things are not battles, but wars that drag on and on. My health might always be a war, but that's ok. Its a challenge that was given to me. Well, challenge accepted...

Keep going loves, face all the monsters, even the ones made out of red-tape, doctor bills, and paper work. Face all the internal battles with fortitude and strength. Remember that your life is what you make it, and God is waiting to see what kind of work you are up for.

Much love,
Ashley