Grievances Against the New Year

 Dear 2021, 

Let me be clear, this blog is now meant for me and only me, and if anyone else benefits from it, that is completely a byproduct. My intention is to keep this blog running for the sake of my own sanity since there is no one to vent my frustrations to, no one to tell anything to in order to keep my head on straight, and I must have a way of writing into the world which no one knows or cares about, and yet is not a diary. 

I was engaged last year to a beautiful but troubled man named Nick, whom I loved and still love very deeply. I feel in my heart that God may bring him back to me, but all of my family and indeed my own brain say that it is over, that is is best over, and that I will hear hide nor hair from him ever again. I grieve over this, yet not too much. I am terribly romantic and horribly practical. 

My mother drives me insane. I love her to death, and as I am supposed to die to myself, I suppose if I am with her long enough I will have the opportunity to do just that. Today (and I already told her this) she was organizing all of my room and my closet like I was 5 years old. However, as she never gets out of bed, and I have no husband to annoy me and sharpen me "as iron sharpens iron" it might as well be her. I have noticed I have been selfish with her lately, thinking of my own wants and needs while she lies rotting in bed. This is terrible of me. I am often a terrible person, and I don't mind saying so. I need to think of her again as my chief concern. 

I have written a book, I am almost finished with school, and if the Lord tarries, I want to invest, and have quite a bit of money saved up to help others. I would love to travel the US if that is permitted in our now socialist country. I have little aspiration other than to write, help a few foster children, live among Native Americans for at least a year and help them however I can, heal my back, take care of my mother, and buy a small house which I can leave to someone who needs it when I die. 

I should dearly love to be married, but at this point in time I do not have any desire to meet another man. I loved Nick, I helped him, and that is enough for me. 

I am a rebellious creature and I know it. I have hurt God's feelings by choosing Nick over him and for that reason alone I don't deserve to be married. I don't mind. I am content by myself, and I know I deserve hell, so anything fun in this life is icing on the cake. 

My hometown and my livelihood was stripped from me when C19 hit in 2020. For this, I hate the government. The new area where I live is lovely, however it is not my home. I don't believe I will ever have a home again. This is alright. I am a nomad, made to wander the earth. 

I dearly wish I had a better attitude about everything, but I do not. Perhaps at the end of this year, I will be more happy, but happiness is a fleeting and rather stupid thing to want to acquire. Better holiness than happiness. 

My grievances against myself - I am much too proud, too apt to say things when I should be quiet, too hostile, too soft, too acidic, too sanguine, too taut, too headstrong, too hateful and too tired. I have a great desire to be alone, to live alone, to work alone, to die alone, and yet I wish to be with people too. I don't know how much more of life I have to live, but it will be alright as long I can keep my head on straight and learn how to please the Lord again. 

These are all my grievances against you, you poor little baby new year, you haven't even done anything yet. But you'll be old by the time March comes along. I hope by the end of this year, you'll have shown me things about both of us that made this year worth living. I need a mental adjustment and an attitude adjustment. 

I miss Nick. I miss my hometown. I miss myself. 

Ashley 

You Won't Make Me Small

You can choose to live small, if you wish
But you can't make me
Be small
With you

The Great Permenance

Everything changes.

We can't stop it.

Life is a series of ups and downs, of seasons and stories.

Our emotions change. We go from sad to happy and happy to sad, sometimes without even knowing why.

People come and people go.

We move.

We change jobs.

Sometimes, we just want it to stop.

But, that's not an option for us.

Everything will always change, and we can't ever be in a state of stasis for very long. It can be chaotic, and it can feel overwhelming, upsetting even to have things going up and down. Sometimes we want to latch onto one emotion, we want to either be all sad all the time or all happy all the time, we want to know what to expect. But to hide from one emotion or another is to hide from life.

The afterlife will be forever fixed. Heaven will be still forever in time. The game will be over. So play now while the stakes or high, don't live in fear.

Enjoy the turbulence before the great permanence.

March 2019 | Things I'm Grateful For...

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Dear friends & townsfolk, I am currently at the hospital in Issaquah for extreme back pain (disk slipped very badly, I’m hoping I can come home on Sunday or Monday). Prayers and thoughts would be greatly appreciated right now. Also, my family has been so good to me during this time... I love you all, thank you for supporting me and not treating me like a burden. Michael, you were my angel for feeding me and brushing my teeth today. I love you!

A post shared by Ashley Anne (@justashleyanne) on Mar 9, 2019 at 2:50pm PST

This year, March 15th marked my 26th birthday! I am always a year ahead in my mind, I've really stopped counting, but I like my birthday. Its a fun time to eat fun food, hang out with people, and be grateful for all the things I've been able to do so far, and a time to plan what else I want to do!

I honestly thought I wasn't going to make it to another birthday this year. I ended up in the hospital two weeks ago with the most excruciating back pain...

Two weeks before my little stint at the hospital, I had taken on a job as an admin assistant for a large YouTube personality. I had been praying for an opportunity to make money from home, and was very excited to see if it would be a good fit. Knowing my limitations due to auto-immune, I hoped being at home would create less stress for me.

But... with 50 emails coming at me everyday, the stress began to build up in my body. I was getting up early and staying up late (bad combo for me) just to keep up, plus all my regular day jobs. The fact that it was tedious and non-creative work made it that much more stressful for me. I'm all for pushing myself, but I have many strengths (creativity, teaching, engaging, empathy) that I like to use, and I was able to do NONE of those.

Tedious tasks stress me out, and although I felt fine mentally, I was about to learn that cortisone will take its course whether you FEEL stressed or not... I was on my way home from a dance lesson when I got into the car and pulled the door closed. Something in my back gave way, and I felt a surge of pain like my nerves were being cut with a knife. I painfully drove home, and like an idiot, did two more hours of work before succumbing to the pain and laying down.

I have only stayed up all night a handful of times in my life. But I have never stayed up all night and remembered the whole night. My spine felt like it was being sawn in half, and I yelled in pain off and on all night. I kept thinking about the people I had read about who had endured torture. I found myself so thankful that at least I wasn't in some prison camp, but at the same time, I didn't know how much more pain I could handle.

Being in such severe pain is very interesting. You feel as though you are in a pain suit, like you should be able to step out of the pain. It makes you aware that you are not your body, but that you dwell in a body. I tried to stay still all night, turning over only once. Around 4:30, I screamed for someone to come downstairs. I couldn't move, and wasn't sure what I was going to do.

My mom and siblings and roommates came running downstairs. After an initial once over from my mom, she decided to call the paramedics to try and move me to a more comfortable place. They moved me to a bench that I rest on when my back gets bad, but the pain was just too intense. I was completely locked up through my spine, and I felt like every nerve in my back was being cut and burned at the same time. So, my mom called them again this time to go to the hospital.

When they came, they saw how young I was, and I'm sure they thought I was being a drama queen. There is nothing worse than not being believed about how sick you are or how much pain you are in, especially when you're not a baby and have a pretty darn high tolerance to pain.

They heaved me onto the gurney and I screamed louder than I thought was possible. It was totally involuntary, like the pain was speaking for me. Then, I passed out. I don't remember that, but my sister told me it happened. I must have come to, and then I felt myself going again. Not gonna lie, I thought I was going to Heaven.

"Well, I had a good run of it, too bad I didn't finish my books..." was a thought that floated through my head. I also thought about the guy I loved and was no longer speaking with. True to the dramatic nature of our family, I said, "If I don't make it, tell (him) I love him!" As I floated out of conciseness, I heard my mom and sister laugh at this. I wanted to say it wasn't funny, but suddenly it was funny, but I couldn't laugh because I was passing out.

The arrival at the hospital was a nightmare. My spine needed to be perfectly straight to avoid more pain, but when they took me to the MRI, they put me in a sling which curved my back. The only way I can describe it is saying it felt like bending the area of a broken bone. I screamed again, and it wouldn't be the last time.

It took the doctors 8 hours to decide to admit me. I do not remember more than 30 min of the whole time. I was apparently transported to another hospital, but remember none of that. I have never had that happen before, where you don't remember anything. Quite a strange experience... who knew pain could do that?

My mom asked the doctor to which hospital he would take his daughter, and I'm so glad she did... When I woke up, I was in the most beautiful, clean, lovely staffed hospital I've ever seen (I've seen several). Everyone who came into my room was like an angel.

The next two days were painfully lying in bed, drifting in and out of sleep, calling for nurses to change my bedpan, and waiting for my family to visit and bring Whole Foods salads and snacks. I felt so loved and cared for... As someone who has cared for a sick person for more than half my life, I appreciated every little thing they did for me.

Each day, the nurses would come and try to get me to walk. I hated that part of the day because it was so excruciatingly painful. I've been told since that back pain is worse than childbirth. I will never be able to have my own children for health reasons, but knowing that I endured such a big pain makes me feel like a true woman in a way. As a woman, you know that bringing life into the world demands that you feel pain, its a sort of rite of passage. I don't get that rite of passage, but I got my own.

I am incredibly grateful to God for keeping me safe. I'm so thankful for my beautiful, crazy family who supported me through this whole ordeal and are being so supportive of me as I heal and try to figure out where to go from here. I am thankful for that beautiful hospital and their kind staff. And, get this, I had this little hospital trip RIGHT BEFORE I GOT BOOTED OFF MY PARENTS INSURANCE!! Had it happened just a few days later, we wouldn't have been covered. God is very good.

And I'm grateful for you readers. Thank you for reading about my journey, and I pray that it encourages you on yours.

Much love to all,
Ashley

We Were Just Kids

While You Were Sleeping...

Dear world,

It's been a while! So very many things have happened this year, so I will try my best to get you up to speed before I jump into reflections for the new year.

Good news... I haven't died yet! Seriously though, that was a big concern of mine when I was younger. I had so much fear and anxiety, I thought for sure I would be dead by 22. Well here I am, almost 26, and still kicking.

I wasn't sure what I was going to do with my life. I knew I was artistic, and that I would always be writing. Well, this is still true. I have self-published a short, illustrated children's book, and I am currently working on a children's chapter book. As to everything else, I am sort of a health and dance coach. I make very little money though, so money is going to be the main object this next year.

Speaking of money... for a short time (last summer until now) I was able to run a dance studio from my home. That was an absolutely WONDERFUL experience, but sadly, due to the rules of our Home Owners Association (HOA) I can no longer operate my studio...

Physically, I have more challenges than I thought I would. I battle auto-immune disease, get sick and have pain more frequently than most people my age, and suffer from disk degeneration which can be very painful. Wanted to have a surgery, but to no avail. BUT! I have more ways to deal with this than most since I am knowledgeable about supplementation and strength training.

Emotionally, this year has been challenging. For almost two years, I was friends and then more than friends and then in a relationship with someone who I truly loved. But love is not the same as trust and respect I've learned. The love of my life is not a Christian, and it has been a challenge recognizing that, at least for the foreseeable future, he cannot be mine and I cannot be his. I want him in heaven with me if I don't get to have him for the time on earth, so please pray for him.

Dating him was an interesting experience, long-distance (met him via youtube), but it gave me a chance to really see how much was going on upstairs. I actually recommend long-distance dating if you REALLY want to know how you're conversations will be like down the road. Knowing someones everyday routine is really important too, so don't skimp out on hanging out when you can.
Most of all, I learned if you on not on the same spiritual plane (forget about religious stuff, I don't even go to church anymore for various reasons) and you're not BOTH connected to God, it will not work out. One will feel like their partner is void and unavailable with little life energy, and the other will feel that their partner is in "another world," and inaccessible.

My mother and father are now separated (if you've read this blog, you might think it was high time...) My dad is staying at a small home he has rented from some cult members (its a long story) and sadly, we do not miss each others company.

Locationally... we have been situated in a beautiful five bedroom home that we rent. After my dad left, two girls that Lexie knew from school (Julia and Chloe) moved in. Chloe has become like another sister to us, Julia has a lot of religious baggage, but she has a good heart. She reminds me of myself when I was in my religious phase. Its so sad how Jesus, the very person who came to set us free from all the religious rituals and ideas, gets repackaged and sold as a new form of religion. Spiritual beings set free need only God's love and truth to guide them. People still bound to the world need religion and rules to keep them from going off the rail.

Things have been pretty expensive, so I don't think we will stay here long. In fact...

About a month ago... Rachel, who has always wanted to marry someone who looks like Jon Foreman, owns a ranch, and likes to wear flannel, met a guy through Chloe. Rachel has only dated one person, and NEVER thought her day would come. Well, I think its come. This guy, Nate, lives in Montana (which was a big deal to Rachel who loves the movie Man from Snowy River), wants to build a ranch (he has money from working in oil fields) and looks like Jon Foreman. They talked on the phone for the first time on Monday. I've never seen her so elated. And she has a lot of peace. I am so happy for her. And I'm happy that I have moved past any feelings of jealousy or nasty energy like that because things didn't work out for me. I was a little sad, but I was still able to rejoice with Rachel which means my soul is in a good place.

Because Rachel will most likely be moving to Montana, Mamma and I are prepared to leave Washington, even if just for awhile and go to Montana with her. So, that will be a new adventure.

As always my loves, everything is up in the air right now, as life for us always is. Nothing but God is certain, and I am certain he will see us through. I love you all, take care, keep trusting God, work hard, and be brave!

Love,
Ashley

Those Plumb, Weird Thoughts...

So, being the over-thinker that I am, I just have to get a few things off my chest...

Sometimes, no matter how talented, pretty, handsome, or successful you have been, you will feel like a waste of space. Something will happen that will make you question your existence, and give you an existential crisis. 

This is ok.

I know it doesn't feel like it, but it is.

It's also important to remember at these times that YOU and no one else (well, you and God) are responsible for getting through your head, and no one else. Of course, there are times to share your burdens with others, but at the end of the day, who is in your head but you?

Lately, I've been struggling with feeling utterly inadequate for what life is throwing my way. What do I know about anything anyway! I think my biggest hurdle at the moment is the amount of work I do and the amount of money I don't make. I work hard, VERY hard, but I am often stupid when it comes to money. I will spin my wheels and get nowhere.

I've always been quite determined to make my own way. I want to have the security and knowledge that should anything bad happen, I would be able to support both myself and my family. However, I have been facing physical limitations which limit my ability to do much of anything for extended periods of time. My body sometimes feels like its crumbling underneath me, and the strict regime I have to keep up is both tiring and expensive.

This is true for so many people, my mom being a prime example. I realized today how hard it is for me to be a human being and not a human doing. My work is who I am, I have studied dance in and out and upside down, and with all the back pain I've been in, I feel like I am wasting time, wasting space, wasting my life.

I also get very frustrated because I can't yet fully care for myself. I am tired of living one foot in and one foot out of the nest, but because of all the sickness in my family, its just been really difficult. I think my biggest downfall in the past has been passivity and procrastination. When I don't know what to do, I often just sit and do nothing. But this ALWAYS leads to more problems.

For now, all I can do is take things one day at a time. I have to make money, and I have to heal. I have to fess up when I'm not doing a good job managing things, and I have to be very, very, very strict with myself, FAR more than the average person.

I think I'm also angry because I have worked so hard for so many years and have to spend my money on just keeping myself afloat so that I can go to work. That kind of life wears on you and certainly wears on the people around you. Caring for a sick person, whether it is yourself or another human is not an easy task. It can be grueling and frustrating, especially when your condition is chronic. I have been looking into disability and I think that is just making my mental wheels spin. I don't like being told that I can't do things. I don't like the idea of being dependent on the government, it bothers me, but I would also be a little relieved and then I get angry with myself for being relieved, which is silly, that is what disability is there for. I start thinking, "Am I lazy? What could I do differently? How can I change things to make them better?"

I had this plumb, weird thought today where I said to myself, "Is it even worth it for me to be here? I can see why people just want to let the sick ones go. We drain the system!" Of course, there is some validity to this, but I think I'm just discouraged because the situation is frustrating. I will not quit though, I'm not a quitter. And neither are you, dear reader. Sometimes, there really is no getting better, no getting out from under the pain, and that really, really sucks. I hope I won't always be living the way I am, but if I do, I have to accept where God has put me and always try to make things better.

I am excited and happy about so many projects at the moment, and even just writing this post I feel better. Life is ups and downs. There will be happy times and sad times and aggravating times, and that's just how it is. Sometimes, things are not battles, but wars that drag on and on. My health might always be a war, but that's ok. Its a challenge that was given to me. Well, challenge accepted...

Keep going loves, face all the monsters, even the ones made out of red-tape, doctor bills, and paper work. Face all the internal battles with fortitude and strength. Remember that your life is what you make it, and God is waiting to see what kind of work you are up for.

Much love,
Ashley

Communicate, Communicate, Communicate!

hubspot

Lately, I've been focusing on my communication skills in everyday life. This is one thing they don't tell you in school kids, you REALLY need to be able to communicate successfully with other human beings...

I am so grateful to work at a community center that really hones in on training us how to be better communicators! We use a skill called, "Listen First" which is a package of skills that help us talk effectively to others, not so we can fill their heads with information, but so we can better listen, understand and help THEM unpack their problems, ideas, or plans. Here are some of the AWESOME tools we use...

1) Ask Open Ended Questions - These are questions that require more than a yes or no answer. Eg. "Did you have a good day at school today?" This question usually gets a mumbled "yeah" as a response. Try "What was the most interesting thing that happened at school today?" Draw the information out!

2) Reflect - Reflecting back to someone shows that you hear them. Don't just parrot back what someone is saying though, make it your own! Lets say someone was talking to you about walking their dog, "So you take them to the park every Saturday." It lets people know, I'm here in the moment with you!

3) Affirm - When someone is making a positive change or action, let them know you think that is awesome!! Tell them you are proud of them! Tell them they are making good steps towards their goal, encourage positive behavior!

4) Summarize - This is usually at the end of a conversation where you summarize all the things you talked about (or if you are enjoying a long conversation, you might do this when you hit the end of a segment in the conversation). You gather all the things someone talked to you about and let them know you got the big picture. "So it sounds like you really like taking your dog for a walk on Saturdays! You meet lots of new friends and your dog really enjoys it! That's great! I'm happy that you two have found something you enjoy together!" Then you could ask an open ended question (eg. "What else do you like doing on the weekend?") OR close the segment of the conversation.

5) Ask Permission - If someone comes to you with a problem and feels particularly stuck, don't be super anxious to fix all their problems. Remember this golden rule all empaths and problem solvers, YOU ARE HERE TO HELP NOT RESCUE! Helping people who want or need it is awesome. But try NOT to rescue people. Most people already know what they need to do, the answers are just locked up by fear, doubt, or another barrier. Do NOT make people dependent on you. You will not always be there. Make them strong so they can think for themselves! When you have a suggestion or something you want to share, ASK FIRST. They are a sacred being with their own mind. Try, "Do you mind if I share a suggestion, a piece of information, etc. with you?"

I've been noticing how much I just ASSUME things when I communicate with people. I may take on an attitude that says, "They are already going to shut me down, anyway..." so I become defensive, distant, or angry. We do this at work, and especially with family and friends who are close to us. In fact, I think the closer we are to someone, the more we assume we know precisely what is going on in their heads. This is NOT true! Human beings are in a constant state of change. They have picked up information, vibes, and other things from the day, week, month or year. You are NOT in their head.

So, be open, be honest, and VERBALIZE, VERBALIZE, VERBALIZE! Learn how others around you best communicate. Learn how to listen, and how to ask questions! Always be interested in others thoughts, and you might be surprised what you find...

Much love,
Ashley

The Girl In the Mirror

It was Sunday morning, and my best friend and I settled into our seats in the room of the kids church. We eagerly waited for our teacher to announce the surprise that was happening that morning...
A theater troupe was going to perform for us!

Excited, we saw some of the god and goddess-like "older kids" who were performing walk up and down the sides of the room, bustling to get the last things ready.

The play began. I have always been spellbound by live performances, even at the elementary level, I am always moved by people, especially humble people, putting themselves onto a stage and giving their energy to an audience.

During one particular scene, I sat on the edge of my seat... A mirror was rolled onto the stage, and clouds of dry ice billowed onto the stage. Then, in the mirror, appeared a girl with golden hair, a beautiful dress, and the most beautiful aura I had ever seen. She was pretty, but that wasn't the reason she caught my attention...

She was magic. She was kind. She was a queen.

In the play, she was the villain, but I leaned over to my friend and whispered, "I know she's not good in the play, but she HAS to be good in real life!"

And I thought to myself nine year old self, I want to be just like that when I get older...

To this day, I still think of the girl in the mirror when I think of who I want to be. You NEVER know just when or how you will make an impact on someone. Be strong, and brave, and beautiful not for yourself, but for others.

Perhaps someone will see the way you carry yourself with beauty and confidence, and if you smile at them you will give them confidence of their own. Someone a few steps behind you on the journey of life is always looking at you. May you be the one who inspires them to say, "I want to be just like that when I grow up..."

Much love,
Ashley

Where Are You Headed now, Ms. Ashley?

Hello all,

It's been such a long while since I've posted anything, but I wanted to let you all know that I'm not dead, and that I have been meaning to return to the blogosphere for some time now, I just wasn't quite sure what to say...

I've been going through so much these past couple years, and I feel at a loss to adequately share my thoughts and memories with you all. This blog is a sort of sacred place for me. Not very many people know about it, so I feel that I can truly share myself in a way that helps me get things off my chest, and forces me to record my history in an engaging way. I'm being my own therapist and practicing my craft at the same time! HAHA!

BUT... I've never really known what to share... I've followed lots of different blogs through the years, and I always loved the ones that shared deep, personal experiences. But that gets murky and scary when you are trying to lead a professional life online. I don't want to overshare, and yet I feel that my experiences could really help others.

All that to say, I think I've found my formula. My blog needs to be SNAPSHOTS of my life and thoughts. I also don't mind overlapping these snapshots through my art, my vlog, and my writing because it just deepens my experience with my thoughts. SO, if you follow all my various threads tat I put into the universe, you will probably think, "Hey, she already talked about this twice!" But that is ok ;)

This blog is going to be dedicated to my human experience while on this planet earth. It will be comprised of blog posts, photos, and poems that best describe what it was like to be alive during the years 1993-2070. I will share my strongest memories, the things that truly stand out to me, and life advice from myself and others who are alive at this time.

This is my story.
Much love,
Ashley

Learning How to Live

Its ok to be overwhelmed at first. Its not ok to stay in a perpetual state of panic, or to give up.

do i trust jesus or not?

Mental Snapshots

Your beautiful eyes turning all angry. 

Smiling, because I know something you do not. 

Just when I feel I have no friends, the floodgates open. 

My aunt I have not seen in 10 years standing at my door. 

My quilt all finished and keeping me warm. 

Beautiful, strong women arriving in my life like flowers in spring. 

The stereo light changing colors. 

A well-worn chair to call my own. 

How I love this unexpected life of mine! 

Hello there. My eye! I’ve missed you... 

Make Everyone a Someone

In this crazy world of ours, people don't tend to treat each other as much of anything but a commodity. The barista is there to GIVE ME COFFEE. My children are there to LOVE ME. My spouse is there to GIVE ME UNDYING SUPPORT. People at work are there to AID ME.

With this "gimmie, gimmie" mindset, it is easy to see how those around us will burn out easily from our company. All of our expectations of others compound in disappointment since we are all using one another.

What if we stopped seeing people as things or energy sources, and started seeing them for the vast, internal universes they truly are. Every person you see on the street, every driver you pass, they all have their own, distinct history. They have their own feelings, tastes, wants and desires. In this respect, we are all extremely different and yet very much the same. Though we are one in millions, we know at our core that we are someone, that there will never be another one of us again. What a shame to waste this potential of uniqueness and greatness in ourselves and everyone with whom we come into contact!

Treat everyone as though they were your someone. No one is disposable or dispensable. Every girl is your daughter, your sister, your mother, your dearest friend, every man is your husband, your brother, your grandfather. If only people truly saw each other as the beautiful beings or horrendous monsters we grow in each other. Everyone is someone dear, the universe belongs to you. How will you shape it?

Come Tired Feet

Come tired feet,  

You must go on.

Your children are needing 

somebody strong

There's no time to think

You must not wait. 

Do not sit around 

and leave things to fate. 

You are a champion

Battered and scarred,

For life is a battlefield

Blackened and charred. 

Pleasure may call, 

but you must not go, 

For all of her treasures

Will bite like the snow.

This journey is meant 

to be taken alone, 

But some will be sent 

To light the way home. 

Come tired feet, 

You must go on. 

This is your test, 

Will you be strong? 

Learning How to Laugh

Because life is all about balance, this post needs to happen ;)

It's true, life contains tragedy. But life also contains laughter. There is both darkness and light. Sometimes you need to cry and have an existential crisis about the state of the world and the impoverished, depraved spirit of humanity. Sometimes you need to sit and watch America's Funniest Home videos, look at cute things on Pintrest and remember that life is not altogether as serious. Find the balance!

Here are a few things that are making me smile this fall...

Learning How to Die

The title of my post is stolen from the artist Jon Foreman.

It might sound a little morbid, but I have been thinking a great deal about death, loneliness, mortality, etc. I want to die and be satisfied with my work, with the lives I have touched, with my appearance in my coffin.

But learning how to die is hard. You have to learn how to give everything up. You have to learn how to let things go, stupid little things that hold you back from giving it all away. You have to learn how to not talk to people out of your own insecurities, hoping they will somehow fill the hole. You have to learn how to stop procrastinating and just get things done, no matter how tired or imperfect or under-qualified you are. You have to give up pleasures like eating or drinking too much. You have to let all the materialism wash over you. You have to speak when you're tired, and be quiet when you're not. You can't complain about the blood and sweat that gets in your eyes. You solider on. That is life.

And when things seem so wearying, it is a comfort to know that they are supposed to be. I am supposed to die. I am not to stay here forever. The troubled waters in my soul will one day stop churning and the wheels that never seem to stop spinning will finally come to a halt. The long fight will be over, the day will draw to a close, these eyes surrounded by wrinkles will grow dim, and my lungs will exhale their final breath. I will be relieved of earth, I will be free from my body. Everything that I was, all that I stood for, will be etched into a single stone.

As I march to my final resting place, I must keep in mind that no one else is destined to accompany my soul to the grave except the one who made it. In case I forget, life is a personal journey. Loneliness does not truly exist unless I let it. I am never alone. The universe and its inhabitants watch my struggle from cradle to grave, I must simply remember them.

Super Hero Training Part II - The Power of Personal Action

image via Google

Life comes in waves, and with those waves come the highs and the lows. Some of us who struggle with physical depression feel these waves more acutely than others. Whatever your mental strength, you will, at some point in your life, walk into a situation that seems hopeless. In contrast, you may feel like you’re at the top of your game, unstoppable, and all-important. The key is to find your balance. You are not all-important. You are not invincible. You don’t know everything. But, you are important to some people. You do have power. You do know some things.

You may think, “All I do in life is (fill in the blank).” When you are feeling down, you may shrink yourself to the point where you feel like an ant, just a tiny little insignificant insect in a huge world. This is, so some degree, true. You are just one in 7 billion. You are most likely not in a position of power that will cause any immediate significant change to the entire world. You probably have not created a life-saving medicine, built a sky-scraper, or done anything to radically change the world for the better. And even if you have, the things you have done will most likely be forgotten. People have a terrible time remembering their history!

Don’t hang your head, though! While you are not the most important person in the world, you are important to many people. Those who are closest to you, those who see you day to day. Your family, your co-workers, your friends, these are the people whose lives you impact every day. When you take care of yourself, and do your best to be respectful in your home, your family will likely respond well to you.

Every time you make a meal, do the dishes, do your chores, listen to each other, you are ensuring that your “corporation” is running smoothly. If you take it a step further and put your own desires aside, listen to your spouse, kid, or sibling as they talk about whatever (and really engage!) you are becoming a super hero.

At work, when you get things done on time, go the extra mile to communicate, take responsibility for mistakes, and treat others with understanding, you are becoming a superhero. If you suddenly dropped everything, and neglected all your duties, your neglect would have serious consequences. Imagine that you are a rather unimportant secretary at a large law firm. Even if most all of your duties seem menial, if they are not completed, the company might suffer mightily at your hands!

You often have power that you don’t recognize because it is not flashy or amazing. It is the power of personal action. When you make a mark on the world by any action, it will affect those around you for better or for worse. Whether you are a plumber, a chef, a teacher, or artist, your work is important to someone, and by your action or inaction, you have the power to change the world one moment at a time.

At the end of the day, your interactions with other human beings will be the only thing for which you are remembered. Do not use people. Be genuine. Your work is not what you are. The way you work, the way you live your life is what you are. Your personal action is your super power.

The Voices Around Me

Sometimes it seems
I am not only me
But a sea
of faces
of voices
of lives
All trying to reach the surface
All gasping,
All reaching,
All trying for air,
Just a breath away,
Waiting at a moment's notice
To break free
and be truly alive,
Biding their time,
Waiting to arrive.
I become restless
as though I have a thousand feet
As though I've lived a million lives,
For haven't I?
Through the faces I've seen?
The things you've all told me?
Haven't I shared all your experiences?
My pen shakes in my hand,
such a weighty thing I'm entrusted with,
To tell your stories,
Accurately,
To capture the moments
Indefinitely,
To freeze time
Upon pages
For future generations.
This is why I like all your voices around me.
Live your lives,
Tell me your stories,
Don't stop talking,
Fill the air with your beautiful voices
That I might hear them,
Feel their warmth and their light
Their sorrow and strength,
So that I know just what you want to say
In the pages of your lives.

Superhero Training Part I - Why It's Important to Make Your Bed

Rarely do I dare to disagree with my mother. She is always right, I mean, always, to the point where it is almost freakish and would be considered annoying had she not saved my bacon on so many occasions! Recently, we were discussing the importance of teaching children to be tidy, making their bed in particular.

My mother has always said that a neatly-made bed leads to a neatly organized room. While I saw some sense in this, I just couldn't bring myself to believe that teaching your children how to make their bed was an all-important thing. I argued that children can learn responsibility and neatness in other areas of the home, that their own room can come be a sort of a "messy haven" if they choose. My mother disagreed.

I have a confession to make... I hate making my bed. I just do. I shouldn't! I am an adult with adult responsibilities, and at this point I feel like I should be able to make my bed without a second thought. I do make my bed, but maybe not as often as my mother would like... I guess I still haven't gotten over that "This-is-going-to-get-messy-again-so-why-bother" phase. It also doesn't help that I am not a morning person...
I have discovered through talking to several people is that I am not alone. Many friends and acquaintances my age and even older seem to have a hard time with keeping themselves organized. Why is this? Lack of parental insight? Personal preference? Laziness?

As to parental insight, I can attest to the fact that my mother was almost excessive when it came to neatness, so that was not a problem for me. Between messy or neat, I actually prefer things tidy. My mind feels freed to think, and when everything is organized it is much easier to complete tasks and projects. I pondered things for awhile, and realized that my desire for a "messy haven" was born out of laziness...

Laziness kills creative energy and productivity. Especially as an artist, when you are the sole manufacturer of your work, an idea without follow-through is actually a dangerous thing. Coming up with ideas can lead you to believe that you have done something when really, nothing has been brought to life. These are stillborn ideas, miscarriages of the mind.

Oftentimes, when I hit a mental roadblock, I allow tasks to slip by undone. Sometimes this is done out of fear, but sometimes it's due to laziness. I would rather not, and so I don't. This, of course, only leads to greater problems down the road. So, how does this tie into the importance of making your bed?

I realized today that making your bed is not just making your bed. It is doing something you don't want to do, a forced productive action, a discipline. This is the reason the military is so perfectionist when it comes to the barracks! Since human beings tend to have an extremely difficult time being self-governing and self-disciplined, any small training ground should be seized as an opportunity to strengthen oneself! If I want to become a "superhero," or in other words a reliable, trust-worthy, life-giving person, I must have follow-through on the smallest tasks.

So, as always, my mother was right... Needless to say, I will be enforcing a neat and tidy bed rule with myself from here on out!