While You Were Sleeping...

Dear world,

It's been a while! So very many things have happened this year, so I will try my best to get you up to speed before I jump into reflections for the new year.

Good news... I haven't died yet! Seriously though, that was a big concern of mine when I was younger. I had so much fear and anxiety, I thought for sure I would be dead by 22. Well here I am, almost 26, and still kicking.

I wasn't sure what I was going to do with my life. I knew I was artistic, and that I would always be writing. Well, this is still true. I have self-published a short, illustrated children's book, and I am currently working on a children's chapter book. As to everything else, I am sort of a health and dance coach. I make very little money though, so money is going to be the main object this next year.

Speaking of money... for a short time (last summer until now) I was able to run a dance studio from my home. That was an absolutely WONDERFUL experience, but sadly, due to the rules of our Home Owners Association (HOA) I can no longer operate my studio...

Physically, I have more challenges than I thought I would. I battle auto-immune disease, get sick and have pain more frequently than most people my age, and suffer from disk degeneration which can be very painful. Wanted to have a surgery, but to no avail. BUT! I have more ways to deal with this than most since I am knowledgeable about supplementation and strength training.

Emotionally, this year has been challenging. For almost two years, I was friends and then more than friends and then in a relationship with someone who I truly loved. But love is not the same as trust and respect I've learned. The love of my life is not a Christian, and it has been a challenge recognizing that, at least for the foreseeable future, he cannot be mine and I cannot be his. I want him in heaven with me if I don't get to have him for the time on earth, so please pray for him.

Dating him was an interesting experience, long-distance (met him via youtube), but it gave me a chance to really see how much was going on upstairs. I actually recommend long-distance dating if you REALLY want to know how you're conversations will be like down the road. Knowing someones everyday routine is really important too, so don't skimp out on hanging out when you can.
Most of all, I learned if you on not on the same spiritual plane (forget about religious stuff, I don't even go to church anymore for various reasons) and you're not BOTH connected to God, it will not work out. One will feel like their partner is void and unavailable with little life energy, and the other will feel that their partner is in "another world," and inaccessible.

My mother and father are now separated (if you've read this blog, you might think it was high time...) My dad is staying at a small home he has rented from some cult members (its a long story) and sadly, we do not miss each others company.

Locationally... we have been situated in a beautiful five bedroom home that we rent. After my dad left, two girls that Lexie knew from school (Julia and Chloe) moved in. Chloe has become like another sister to us, Julia has a lot of religious baggage, but she has a good heart. She reminds me of myself when I was in my religious phase. Its so sad how Jesus, the very person who came to set us free from all the religious rituals and ideas, gets repackaged and sold as a new form of religion. Spiritual beings set free need only God's love and truth to guide them. People still bound to the world need religion and rules to keep them from going off the rail.

Things have been pretty expensive, so I don't think we will stay here long. In fact...

About a month ago... Rachel, who has always wanted to marry someone who looks like Jon Foreman, owns a ranch, and likes to wear flannel, met a guy through Chloe. Rachel has only dated one person, and NEVER thought her day would come. Well, I think its come. This guy, Nate, lives in Montana (which was a big deal to Rachel who loves the movie Man from Snowy River), wants to build a ranch (he has money from working in oil fields) and looks like Jon Foreman. They talked on the phone for the first time on Monday. I've never seen her so elated. And she has a lot of peace. I am so happy for her. And I'm happy that I have moved past any feelings of jealousy or nasty energy like that because things didn't work out for me. I was a little sad, but I was still able to rejoice with Rachel which means my soul is in a good place.

Because Rachel will most likely be moving to Montana, Mamma and I are prepared to leave Washington, even if just for awhile and go to Montana with her. So, that will be a new adventure.

As always my loves, everything is up in the air right now, as life for us always is. Nothing but God is certain, and I am certain he will see us through. I love you all, take care, keep trusting God, work hard, and be brave!

Love,
Ashley

Those Plumb, Weird Thoughts...

So, being the over-thinker that I am, I just have to get a few things off my chest...

Sometimes, no matter how talented, pretty, handsome, or successful you have been, you will feel like a waste of space. Something will happen that will make you question your existence, and give you an existential crisis. 

This is ok.

I know it doesn't feel like it, but it is.

It's also important to remember at these times that YOU and no one else (well, you and God) are responsible for getting through your head, and no one else. Of course, there are times to share your burdens with others, but at the end of the day, who is in your head but you?

Lately, I've been struggling with feeling utterly inadequate for what life is throwing my way. What do I know about anything anyway! I think my biggest hurdle at the moment is the amount of work I do and the amount of money I don't make. I work hard, VERY hard, but I am often stupid when it comes to money. I will spin my wheels and get nowhere.

I've always been quite determined to make my own way. I want to have the security and knowledge that should anything bad happen, I would be able to support both myself and my family. However, I have been facing physical limitations which limit my ability to do much of anything for extended periods of time. My body sometimes feels like its crumbling underneath me, and the strict regime I have to keep up is both tiring and expensive.

This is true for so many people, my mom being a prime example. I realized today how hard it is for me to be a human being and not a human doing. My work is who I am, I have studied dance in and out and upside down, and with all the back pain I've been in, I feel like I am wasting time, wasting space, wasting my life.

I also get very frustrated because I can't yet fully care for myself. I am tired of living one foot in and one foot out of the nest, but because of all the sickness in my family, its just been really difficult. I think my biggest downfall in the past has been passivity and procrastination. When I don't know what to do, I often just sit and do nothing. But this ALWAYS leads to more problems.

For now, all I can do is take things one day at a time. I have to make money, and I have to heal. I have to fess up when I'm not doing a good job managing things, and I have to be very, very, very strict with myself, FAR more than the average person.

I think I'm also angry because I have worked so hard for so many years and have to spend my money on just keeping myself afloat so that I can go to work. That kind of life wears on you and certainly wears on the people around you. Caring for a sick person, whether it is yourself or another human is not an easy task. It can be grueling and frustrating, especially when your condition is chronic. I have been looking into disability and I think that is just making my mental wheels spin. I don't like being told that I can't do things. I don't like the idea of being dependent on the government, it bothers me, but I would also be a little relieved and then I get angry with myself for being relieved, which is silly, that is what disability is there for. I start thinking, "Am I lazy? What could I do differently? How can I change things to make them better?"

I had this plumb, weird thought today where I said to myself, "Is it even worth it for me to be here? I can see why people just want to let the sick ones go. We drain the system!" Of course, there is some validity to this, but I think I'm just discouraged because the situation is frustrating. I will not quit though, I'm not a quitter. And neither are you, dear reader. Sometimes, there really is no getting better, no getting out from under the pain, and that really, really sucks. I hope I won't always be living the way I am, but if I do, I have to accept where God has put me and always try to make things better.

I am excited and happy about so many projects at the moment, and even just writing this post I feel better. Life is ups and downs. There will be happy times and sad times and aggravating times, and that's just how it is. Sometimes, things are not battles, but wars that drag on and on. My health might always be a war, but that's ok. Its a challenge that was given to me. Well, challenge accepted...

Keep going loves, face all the monsters, even the ones made out of red-tape, doctor bills, and paper work. Face all the internal battles with fortitude and strength. Remember that your life is what you make it, and God is waiting to see what kind of work you are up for.

Much love,
Ashley

Communicate, Communicate, Communicate!

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Lately, I've been focusing on my communication skills in everyday life. This is one thing they don't tell you in school kids, you REALLY need to be able to communicate successfully with other human beings...

I am so grateful to work at a community center that really hones in on training us how to be better communicators! We use a skill called, "Listen First" which is a package of skills that help us talk effectively to others, not so we can fill their heads with information, but so we can better listen, understand and help THEM unpack their problems, ideas, or plans. Here are some of the AWESOME tools we use...

1) Ask Open Ended Questions - These are questions that require more than a yes or no answer. Eg. "Did you have a good day at school today?" This question usually gets a mumbled "yeah" as a response. Try "What was the most interesting thing that happened at school today?" Draw the information out!

2) Reflect - Reflecting back to someone shows that you hear them. Don't just parrot back what someone is saying though, make it your own! Lets say someone was talking to you about walking their dog, "So you take them to the park every Saturday." It lets people know, I'm here in the moment with you!

3) Affirm - When someone is making a positive change or action, let them know you think that is awesome!! Tell them you are proud of them! Tell them they are making good steps towards their goal, encourage positive behavior!

4) Summarize - This is usually at the end of a conversation where you summarize all the things you talked about (or if you are enjoying a long conversation, you might do this when you hit the end of a segment in the conversation). You gather all the things someone talked to you about and let them know you got the big picture. "So it sounds like you really like taking your dog for a walk on Saturdays! You meet lots of new friends and your dog really enjoys it! That's great! I'm happy that you two have found something you enjoy together!" Then you could ask an open ended question (eg. "What else do you like doing on the weekend?") OR close the segment of the conversation.

5) Ask Permission - If someone comes to you with a problem and feels particularly stuck, don't be super anxious to fix all their problems. Remember this golden rule all empaths and problem solvers, YOU ARE HERE TO HELP NOT RESCUE! Helping people who want or need it is awesome. But try NOT to rescue people. Most people already know what they need to do, the answers are just locked up by fear, doubt, or another barrier. Do NOT make people dependent on you. You will not always be there. Make them strong so they can think for themselves! When you have a suggestion or something you want to share, ASK FIRST. They are a sacred being with their own mind. Try, "Do you mind if I share a suggestion, a piece of information, etc. with you?"

I've been noticing how much I just ASSUME things when I communicate with people. I may take on an attitude that says, "They are already going to shut me down, anyway..." so I become defensive, distant, or angry. We do this at work, and especially with family and friends who are close to us. In fact, I think the closer we are to someone, the more we assume we know precisely what is going on in their heads. This is NOT true! Human beings are in a constant state of change. They have picked up information, vibes, and other things from the day, week, month or year. You are NOT in their head.

So, be open, be honest, and VERBALIZE, VERBALIZE, VERBALIZE! Learn how others around you best communicate. Learn how to listen, and how to ask questions! Always be interested in others thoughts, and you might be surprised what you find...

Much love,
Ashley